Two things.

I'm kind of down, if we're being honest.

There's just a lot going on here now, and I have a lot of goals for myself that I'm having trouble meeting.  But it's not like they're all really important goals - some of them are just daily goals, simple goals, which makes it even worse when I don't meet them.  I might be too hard on myself right now, it's hard to tell.

Please don't worry though, okay?  This is why I haven't written in a while - I didn't want to put anything too negative on here because I was too afraid to make you worry.  Don't worry and don't think that it's like this all of the time, because it's not.  There are really wonderful days, really awesome moments, sometimes long strings of them together.  But then there are those down times, you know?  It's just life - but amplified, since I'm here, doing what I'm doing, exposed to people both here and continents away.  I believe that when you live this kind of life, you don't have the luxury of having secrets.  It's just out there.

So that being said, I've been having trouble.  We've been setting up things at our new house, but I'm tired of running errands for myself.  I want so badly to get started in what I intended to do here - going places, meeting needs, working, loving people, serving.  I know, I know, I can do that anywhere, anytime, any way - but I'm ready to step out of the "normal, every day" life that I've spent the last month setting up for myself, and I'm ready to step into places with needs.  

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I was scared.  We had a hard time getting our outside gate closed (the one that goes from the street to the driveway), because it was broken, and that made me feel really unsafe - especially out in my room, alone.  And on top of that, it was thundering and raining hard, and the wind was strong.  When the wind blows - even just a little - the branches over the "barbeque" area (between my flat and the house) scrape and blow against my walls, and it makes a noise that is, well, not pleasant.  Also, the walls in my room are cement, the floor is ceramic tile, and it's been in the 40s and 50s (Fahrenheit) here at night - so it's very, very cold.

Needless to say, I had a hard time getting to sleep.  I was scared, cold, and alone.  I put on a movie to drown out the scratchy noises and to take my mind off the broken gate, and I eventually fell asleep.

But not before I prayed.

Let me tell you how I feel about prayer now.  You can agree or disagree, and that's okay.  If you feel we need to talk about it, that's okay too.  But here it is.

I feel like I spent most of my life trying to sugar-coat things for God.  When I prayed to Him, I would only give him the "nice" version of the story, or the shortened version, or the easy version.  Not the whole version.  It's like I turned my life into a corny made-for-TV movie for the only one who really saw the whole unedited, uncut version.  I don't know why I did that, but the reasons don't really matter now.

I don't want to sugar-coat things with God.  I don't want to try to put my life into a neat box for Him - He knows what a mess it is.  That's why grace is such a humbling concept.

But I realized sometime in this past year that I wasn't telling God the truth.  I wasn't "flat-out" lying to Him, but I also wasn't telling Him the whole story.  I was drawing lines, building walls, putting up signs, saying He was and wasn't allowed access to certain places in my life.

That's no way to treat the one who created me.

Now I do my best to tell God the truth, all of it.  If my eyes and brain and heart and thoughts and all of my senses are cameras that take footage, I have to believe that God deserves to see the real, raw, uncut and unedited footage that they take in everyday.  God deserves it.

I just wanted to share that with you.  If you disagree, it's okay.  If you agree, thank you for your support.  If you struggle with it, I understand.  It's hard.  Keep contending.

Either way, I hope I said something that will help.

So last night, when I prayed, I told Him that I was really scared and that I was having trouble trusting Him.

It really is better to live life without secrets.

-Tara.

Two things You told me - that You love me, and that You are strong.  (Jon Foreman)

The gecko.

Let me tell you a little story involving three girls from America, a gecko, and a small bathroom.

We're in East London, helping with a VBS.  Diana, Neysia, and I are staying with the du Preez family (two parents, five children) - we're living out in a flat that's separated from the house.  It has a small bathroom, a toilet and sink separated by a partition that folds up accordion-style.  Neysia went in to use the toilet, and I was sitting on the couch that's about four feet from there.  She came out and said, "There's a lizard in there."

I'm pretty sure I said, "No way!"  And when I went to look, sure enough.  A lizard (more specifically, a gecko) on the ceiling.  

I only know that it was a gecko because the boys had caught one at the church building the day before (it had also been on the ceiling).  Gill (pronounced like Jill, she's our host mom) told us that they bite humans when you make them mad.  I already don't have strong affections for creepy crawly things, and that information just made me like the gecko even less.

I thought Diana would be much braver than I was feeling at the moment, so I asked her to come see if she could catch it while Neysia and I stood on the couches.  She got a hanger and a big piece of construction paper that one of the kids had painted on at school (a cow and flowers, I think) and tried to scoot it back out of the open window it came from.

But alas, no luck.  At one point it ran quickly and Diana started screaming, so Neysia and I did too.  We called up to the house to ask Gill to send one of the boys down (ages 10 and 8, I think), but she wouldn't for some reason.  But Chantelle (the oldest daughter, age 20) heard us screaming and came to save us.

When we told her there was a gecko in the bathroom, she just rolled her eyes and smiled.  Apparently there are a lot of geckos here.  Anyway, she also tried to usher it out of the open window - but 10 minutes later, it went into the light fixture and up into the ceiling, never to be heard from again.

That doesn't mean that we weren't hesitant to use the bathroom last night though!

Thought you would enjoy that.  I'll get you pictures of the gecko later.

And more info about East London and the VBS coming up soon!

Good thing.

Well, it's Monday.  8.40 AM.  New day.

Today we (the girls from my team, and Brittney and Liz from Team One) get the keys to our house.  We're going at one to meet our landlady and to check out the security system.  The previous tenants (four boys) didn't even use the security system, so we're not sure what kind of shape it's in.  Brittney is calling the security company this morning and asking them to have someone meet us there at one, so we can get all that figured out.  Because the sooner we get the security system up, the faster we can move into the house.  Ken and Judy won't let us move in without one.  We're hoping to move in tomorrow.  I can't wait to get the new house because that means I can finally stop living out of my suitcase, and I can have a place to call home that I won't have to move out of soon (hopefully).  Plus, I can't wait to see what the inside looks like, what my room will be like and how the kitchen and living room are.  This is the place I will call home for the next year-and-a-half-ish, so I'm excited to see it.

I told you I would tell you more about what Jeffreys Bay (heretoafter referred to as JBay - that's what they call it) was like, and how our retreat went.  JBay itself was beautiful.  It's a surfer town, and they have a surfing competition there every year that's internationally known, and (for the girls!) a festival where companies like Billabong and Quiksilver have booths set up and you can buy things.  Apparently it's a pretty big deal.  Maybe we'll go to it next year.

The house we stayed in was amazing.  Carolyne (from last year's team) got it for us - her friend Nyasha knows the owners and they let us stay there for free.  They actually live in PE, but this house is their weekend house in JBay.  It was amazing.  The girls all slept in one room (bunk beds!) and the boys in another room (bunk beds, but with an amazing ocean view), and Ken and Judy slept in another room (no bunk beds, same amazing view).  The rooms facing the beach all had huge windows, wide open.  I got to watch my first-ever South African sunrises, but I didn't have to get up that early - the sun rose at about 7.15 each morning.  It was amazing.  I just went out on the deck and watched it come up over the ocean.  Speaking of the ocean, the beach was just a few steps away from the back door of the house.  It literally took about 30 seconds to walk down there, and then your feet were in the water.  So amazing.  Momma Judy cooked awesome meals for us (pancakes, lasagna, soup, chocolate cake, salad, the works!) and there were a lot of dishes to wash after every meal!  But it was so much fun.  The teams split up and had to do skits about themselves (the teammates had play each other).  It was interesting to see the little mannerisms that other people say you have.  Even though we were dramatizing each other's personalities, we still learned about each other and had a lot of laughs doing it.  I played Tyler (I stood on an ottoman, because he's so much taller than the rest of us!) and Sasha played me.  It was so good to laugh like that with each other, and to just have some simple fun - I don't think we've gotten that chance since we've been here.  We got to learn about the old team and how they think of each other.  I loved it.

On Saturday we did pretty much nothing.  It was nice.  :)  The girls colored for a while (Momma Judy brought coloring sheets!) and then we went to town to shop.  I bought a pink Billabong hat and a teal colored wallet.  I never thought I would be in a store that sells surfing gear!  Oh, life in South Africa.  Surprises everywhere.  

Saturday night, we took a personality test.  The four main personality classifications are Popular, Powerful, Perfect, and Peaceful.  I turned out to be a Popular Perfect - which means (I think) that I like to be social but I also like details.  I have a lot of Peaceful in me as well; I'm sure you can guess what that means.  I liked taking the test, and it was cool to see everyone's results.  

It was a great weekend.  The sunrises, the waves, the sand, the couches, the bunk beds, the meals, the rest.  I'm so glad we went, and that Team One took the time and effort to plan this weekend for us.  We all needed it.

But you know what they say - all good things must come to an end.  But who is "they" anyway?  I wonder if They are sad that They didn't get the credit for coming up with that.  Probably not, because They are probably dead by now.  But still, it's true.  Well, about most things.  I think it's conditional - not all good things come to an end.

But our weekend did.

Good thing we have high hopes for this next week!

Hope you have a great day today.

PS: If you're praying for me, thank you. 

Cold shower no. 04, beached whale, retreating.

I have taken four cold showers in a row.  Why, you ask?  Well, it's a combination of things.  I share a shower with three other people (actually, five other people - we're all on the same hot water tank thing), which means the hot water is usually lukewarm by the time I get there.  Which is okay.  But combined with the fact that I can't figure out how to work the knobs - cold showers galore.  It's not that the knobs are particularly difficult...there's only two.  Hot and cold.  But I can't ever get the proportions right, especially with lukewarm water.  I couldn't do it at home either, just ask my dad.  I didn't even know that those knobs were specifically for hot and cold water.  I don't know, I'm weird and I have a deficiency.  : )

Here's a cool story.  This morning, we got an SMS (which is what they call a text message) from our coordinator, telling us that there was a beached whale on King's Beach, not too far from our house.  So after a while, we went down to the beach and checked it out.  At first we didn't see it, but we did see another chunk of whale.  It smelled bad, but it could just be my imagination thinking it.  We looked at it for a while, and took a lot of pictures and video, and Tyler threw a rock at it.  Multiple times.  The boys walked on down to see if they could find more whale, and the girls stayed at the beach and talked for a while.  We got an SMS from one of the boys saying, "yeah it's here" and so we walked to where they were, and yes.  There was a dead beached whale there.  The boys played with it (jumped on it, actually), the girls took pictures, and after a while, some workers started cutting it open so that they could get rid of it.  It smelled really bad.  It smelled dead, but also kind of like curdled milk.  But mostly and completely disgusting.

Don't worry, I'll have pictures soon.

Also, we're going on a retreat this weekend.  All of the AIMers, and our coordinators, to Jeffreys Bay.  I think it's about an hour away.  From what I hear (my dad's a good researcher), it's got good surf and friendly people.  We're staying in a beachfront cabin, I think.  I'll let you know more after we get back.

Thanks again for all the feedback.  Keep it coming, okay?  It's really encouraging.  Ask lots of questions, don't be afraid.  That's the only way I'll know how to describe what you want to know about.  Don't be afraid to ask questions about the little things - daily life, food, grocery stores, that kind of stuff.  

Love you guys.  Talk to you soon.

"Change your thoughts and you change your world."

-Norman Vincent Peale.

"The time has come," the walrus said...

The time has come to talk about something else.

But this is quite a bit not as fun to talk about as the living situation.

Victor, my teammate from Virginia, went back home to the States.  He's not going to be with us here anymore.  He had to go home and take care of some personal responsibilities, and that's the end of the story.

But here's what I say - I'm very, very proud of him.  It's a difficult situation, and he could have easily ignored what was happening.  He could have very easily decided not to deal with things, but he didn't.  He got on a plane and went back home, and I think he grew up a lot in that decision.  

I'm proud of him, but I miss him a lot.  He was the only person on the team that I really knew before they became my teammate.  It's going to be different without him, but I am absolutely positive that there is a reason for everything.  Nothing doesn't have a reason.

It's just a matter of having a good attitude until that part.  That's my problem.  Here's the way I picture it in my mind - it may be wrong, but I'm willing to change how I think about it, so there you have it.

It's like something happens, and God knows about it.  And then we react to whatever happens, and God knows about that.  I personally don't want to react in a way that isn't worthy of him seeing, you know?  What if he causes this thing to happen (or doesn't stop it from happening), knowing that something really wonderful is going to come from it, and then he sees me whining about it?  Or sees me throwing a fit and being angry with him when I have no right to be, because I can't even see the big picture?  I'm not okay with that.

Yes, that's definitely the hard part, keeping the attitude in proportion to the big picture.  Tough stuff.

Keep Vic in your prayers.  

Victor, I love you.

Home again, home again - jiggity jig?

I think the time has come to explain our living situation.

Ken and Judy and the "old" team (the team from the AIM class before us) lived together in a very nice 7-bedroom house in a nice part of Port Elizabeth, called Summerstrand.  The boys all had rooms of their own, and two of the girls did too, but the other two girls shared a room and Ken and Judy did as well (obviously).  There are 5 bathrooms, a nice kitchen, an office area, a three-car garage, and it has a security system and a gate.  It's very nice and very safe.

But Ken and Judy decided to move out a couple of months ago, so that they would have more room to house the printing stuff for the curriculum.  So they moved out, and we (the new team) moved in, and the lease on this house (I like to call it The Big House) is up at the end of this month.  So we're all moving out by then.  

The first week we were here, there were 12 AIMers living here - we were missing Mike (from our team, he was delayed a week because his visa was late) and Brittney (from their team, she went home to visit for a month).  Neysia, Sasha, Diana, and I were living in Ken and Judy's old room, on air mattresses - the only mattress that really held air was Sasha's, but it was okay because we had sleeping bags and blankets.  It was a lot of fun, because the four of us had never lived together since we had two different apartments in Lubbock.  I really enjoyed spending time with them in that way.  I've never had a sister, much less three, and they are as close as I'm probably ever going to get to having real, real life sisters that I'll live with and be with every day.  I love them, and I consider them a blessing and an answer to a prayer that I didn't know I was asking.

But after Carolyne and Lindsay (two girls from last year's team) moved out a couple of weeks ago, we split up and took their rooms so that we could have real beds.  Diana and I are now staying in Carolyne's room, and Sasha and Neysia are in Lindsay's room.  It's nice to have a real bed.  It's funny though, because they took their comforters with them, so we are using sleeping bags as comforters.  Whatever works, ya know?

As for the boys, they were staying with Joey, a guy on last year's team.  He stays in a room that's off the garage, kind of separated from the house.  There's a bathroom out there, too, so it's convenient and semi-private.  It's hard for anything to be private here, but it's okay because we all get along (most of the time) and we have a lot of fun together.

But now that we're out of Ken and Judy's room, Tyler and Mike are staying in there on the "air mattresses" and sleeping bags.  I think they are ready for their own beds, and we are too.

Here's the upcoming schedule for everybody moving out.

19 June - The "old boys" move out.  (I'm pretty sad about this, to be honest.  I really like these guys.  They are a lot of fun, and have been good friends to me so far, which is really important.  These first few weeks can be rough, because of transitioning and learning the ropes and the initial homesickness and all of that stuff.  Johnathan, Joey, and Logan have been very helpful and encouraging to me.  They're cool guys.  I appreciate them.)

23 June - We move out!  We're going to be living with Brittney and Liz, two of the "old girls."  We've seen the outside of our house (it's a great yellow color, with two trees in the front yard, and you can look to the left from our front porch and see the ocean!) and pictures of the inside.  It has three bedrooms and two bathrooms inside, and one outside bedroom with a bathroom.  We have a dining room, two fireplaces, a kitchen, and a two-car garage.  We'll also have a gate and a security system.  The house comes fully furnished, which means we have beds and a TV and two pink leather couches.  Oh yes.

1 July - The new boys move out.  I haven't seen their house, but from what I hear, it's a cottage that's on someone else's property.  They have their own driveway, and the rent is really good for the two of them.  They'll live about 20 minutes away from our new house.  (They'll live in a district called Lorraine, and we'll live in a district called Mount Croix.)  But since the lease is up on The Big House at the end of this month and we need to do a big clean on the place, they'll move out and live at Ken and Judy's the last week of June.  So basically, we'll all be out of this house during the last week of June.

You know, I haven't lived here very long.  It's only been about fifteen days, not nearly as long as the last team.  But it's sad to me, everybody moving out and getting their own places.  I've very much enjoyed living together with everybody.  It's been chaotic sometimes, and frustrating, and hectic, and sometimes there's no food, but it's been a lot of fun.  I have laughed so much, and I already have some really great memories that I'll remember when I don't want to remember other things.

So if you're from my old home, rest assured - I can feel at home here too, and it's not necessarily because of the house and how bouncy the bed is and how full the fridge is and how hot the shower can get.

It's because of my friends, my family-away-from-family.

PS: If you're concerned about the fact that twelve 18-23 year olds are living together without "adult supervision," please keep in mind that we are twelve 18-23 year olds who are here in South Africa doing mission work, and we each have the mindset that we are accountable to God, Ken and Judy, the AIM staff, and each other.

God made everything.

I've felt a little off today, I think.  But I don't think it's entirely bad.

Maybe it's the weather, but I don't think so.  I've just wanted to be quiet all day.  Sometimes I get tired of talking so much, you know?  I get tired of laughing so loud.  Which is not something I can really control, but still.  Sometimes I just want to keep my jaws and tongue and voice still.

Went to the soup kitchen with Momma Judy today, and two of the aunties.  (Okay, man, I forget that I can't really write things without explaining them.  "Momma Judy" refers to Judy Kendall-Ball, one half of the Ken and Judy Kendall-Ball, our coordinators for our stay here in South Africa.  Basically, they guide us and help us find our paths while still giving us space and freedom.  They're good people.  And "aunties" refers to two of the older ladies that we're introduced to, usually churchgoers, but mostly just ladies who deserve respect.  It's a term of respect, "auntie.")

So anyway.  Today we met Auntie Mags and Auntie Ann, two sisters who make soup for the soup kitchen.  The "soup kitchen" has shrunk though, from what I understand - now they just take soup to the waiting room of a hospital and an AIDS clinic here in Port Elizabeth.  A couple of AIMers help them by giving them rides and helping them hand out bread and cups of soup.  I had a "good" time - it's hard to say you had a good time handing pieces of bread to sick people who were obviously hungry, some of whom didn't have teeth, one of whom didn't have an arm, all of whom were in need in some form or another.  It's very difficult to say you had a great time doing that.  But I do know that that's exactly what I wanted to do here - find needs, simple and clear needs, and fill them.  You don't have to make it hard, you know?  Helping people does not have to be difficult.  Just hand bread over.

I'm also trying to prepare lessons for an upcoming VBS in East London, South Africa.  Four other AIMers and I are going there a week from this next Saturday for a Monday-Friday VBS.  I'll be teaching 2nd grade, using the curiculum that we help Ken and Judy print - it's called "Lessons to Live By."  It teaches morals and ethics using bible stories, like obedience and patience and sharing and all of that good stuff.  Lots of worksheets.  I'm trying to plan crafts, but it's been a while since I was in 2nd grade, and I'm trying hard to remember what 2nd graders like to do.  I'll let you know what I come up with, and how it goes.  I still have about a week, which is nice.

We recently visited Seaview Lion Park, and it was a lot of fun.  I have some pictures, and I'll upload them on here soon, but not now.  I think dinner is coming up soon, so the pictures will have to wait.  But the baby lions were a lot of fun to play with, their claws were pretty sharp and I got scratched, but it didn't really hurt.  Their fur wasn't as soft as you'd think it was, but it wasn't like sand paper either.  It was fun.  It was neat to finally hear a big lion roar too.  I don't think it was a full-fledged roar, but it was fairly close, so I was satisfied for now.  The cool thing is, this place is about 30 minutes from where we live, and it cost only about 7 dollars American to get in (and about 7 dollars American to play with the baby lions), so I'm sure we'll be going back.  Also, this same lion park is about 5 minutes away from the Xhosa school I went to a week ago, which is crazy.  How crazy would it be if your elementary school was 5 minutes away from a lion park?  That's what is so interesting to me - to us, that sounds totally cool and crazy and fun, but to those kids, it's completely normal.  What's normal for this part of the world is ridiculous or absurd or even outrageous for someone who lives on another continent.  What someone does in their daily life on another continent may make someone here extremely uncomfortable.  Life, people, days, living, relationships, choices, differences, similarities, everything.

I forget sometimes that God made everything.

God made that woman in the hospital waiting room, and God knew her when she had teeth.  She is imago dei - the image of God.  She has some qualities of God in her, maybe her compassion or her patience or her forgiveness or her eagerness or something.  She has something.  He knows her just like he knows me, there's no difference.

How dare I think that there is?