Whatever you are.

I should have written this as soon as I got back, but I didn't.

And as I like to say, "No time like when I should have done it, a while ago!"  

Anyway, I'm home - in Oklahoma.  Right now, I'm in Duncan.  In my old house, with all its same smells, and in my room, with its same bed and blankets and pillows.  I've missed it, truly.

The plans are as follows: I'm going up to Shawnee to continue my AIM time.  Yes, that's right - I will be doing mission work in Shawnee, Oklahoma!  I know, it's hard to really imagine.  Most people define mission work (even if just subconsciously) as something that must be done on foreign soil.  SO not true!

God's people - every single person He created - need God.  We also need each other: to help, to listen, to babysit, to call, to text, to teach kids' Bible school class, to volunteer, to drink coffee with, to serve soup, to see at church, to laugh with, to call crying, to do office work, to answer the phones, to answer questions, to talk to, to hear us, to help us figure out life, to help us understand, to read with us, to help us find the right path and understand God's character more.  I am a firm believer that God created us to be in relationship with Him, and with one another - and that relationship that we have with one another takes a lot of different shapes and sizes.  You can teach someone a lot about what God is like by how you act, and how you serve, and how you live, and what you say.  We are here to help each other.

And so I am going to help whoever I can help in Shawnee, Oklahoma.

I had the same goal when I went to South Africa.  I wanted to listen, watch, hear, observe, learn, teach, serve, help.  And I do think that I did those things.  But I was also profoundly affected - I was listened to, watched, heard, observed, taught, served, helped...by both the people there and my team.  I'm sure the same thing will happen in Shawnee.  It's a give and take.  You have an impact on who you are around, and in return - you are impacted.  What a beautiful circle.

So that's the update.  I seriously, truly, honestly am going to try more to write in this.  Agh, why do I find it so hard to stay consistent with this?  I will keep trying.

If you have any questions, please, please, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't hesitate to ask me.  Post it on here.  Email me.  Call me.  Facebook me.  Send me smoke signals, a carrier pidgeon, Morse code.  Anything!  Just don't be afraid to ask, and don't take the long road and ask someone else.  I'm here.  As one of my favorite teachers once said, "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people afraid to ask."  :)

Love,

Tara.

Whatever you are, be a good one.  (Abraham Lincoln)

Time.

It's time.
I'm sure that most everyone who reads this thing knows this by now, but I am no longer in South Africa.
I left on March 25th, and the reasons for that departure run deep. To put it simply, I felt like it was time to let God take me in a different direction. I needed to take a bigger leap of faith in God. It doesn't have anything to do with my teammates or my coordinators or the South African people - it's a decision based on how I felt I was serving my God and those around me. I need time to heal, time to be away, and a new place to serve. I'm still in the AIM program and I will be until graduation, in March 2010. I'm just going to serve in a different place.
And God, as always, has provided.
I am in Oklahoma now, and I will be for the next few weeks. I am hoping to see lots of people that I've missed, so I'm going to be all over the place. But I have a new cell phone number and an old email address, so if you want to contact me, it won't be hard. I'd love to hear from you and answer any questions you have.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support through this crazy journey. Where would I be without you?
See you soon!
It's time.
-Tara.

"Things change, but your ability to love remains intact."

- Reese Witherspoon.

Not the big news, but a brownbag nonetheless.

[Brown bag - 18 March, 2009.]

Hey guys!  I hope you’re having a great time at Camp Adventure!  I loved it - both when I went as a camper, and last year, when I was an AIMer.  It’s a lot of work, and it’s exhausting, but I think that what you gain from those days is worth every bit of energy you spend.  I encourage you to put your whole heart into what you are doing, and keep your eyes wide open for what God is teaching you.  Sometimes He uses the smallest things to teach us what we most need to learn, and that is a beautiful thing.

I was trying to think of a cool story from South Africa to share with you, and I couldn’t really come up with anything big.  I didn’t see any lions walking out and about, there weren’t any sharks the last time we went to the beach, and the roof on our hut doesn’t leak anymore.  (Just kidding about the hut - we live in a nice, second-story flat.  One that doesn’t leak.)  Most of the stories I can think to tell you are about the little things, the tiny moments and surprises that make you stop and be grateful for the life you have.

One of these moments happened just the other day.  At the end of our hallway, there is an older Indian (Not Native American, but from India!) lady.  There are always these wonderful food smells coming from her flat, and sometimes she leaves her door propped open and we see her doing laundry.  Sasha and I were coming home just a few days ago, and we were laughing and carrying on about something, and we saw her.  The three of us exchanged the usual, “Hey, how are you?  Good, thanks!”  As we turned to walk away, she said, “I’ve been missing you guys!”  It was just a really neat thing to happen.  I mean, we’ve never even really talked to her before - she’s only heard us being loud in the hallway (a hard habit to break for the typical American).  I guess she hadn’t had her door propped open the last few days, or maybe she’d been out visiting a friend or something.  Either way, it was a nice surprise to hear from a stranger that we’ve been missed...or even that we had been noticed.

I just think that those surprises, those little things that happen even though you don’t expect them, can be the most wonderful moments in your life.  Sometimes they change how you see people around you, sometimes they change how you see yourself.  And sometimes, they can even change your entire life.

Like the Samaritan woman at the well, in John 4.1-26.  This is a story we all have heard more than once - and for good reason.  There are so many lessons to learn from these 26 verses!  But as good as it is for us to read and to draw wisdom from, it was REAL for one woman.  This lady - a social outcast who had been married five times, a woman who was living with a man she wasn’t married to - had come to the well at a time of day when the other women weren’t there.  She didn’t want to have to face them, or face anyone who knew her past and how she was choosing to live.  She just wanted to get water, and to get it alone.

But then she got a surprise - there was a man there.  Jesus, the gift of God, the Giver of eternal life, the Messiah.  He was there, and He wanted water...from her.  As they talk, she discovers that He knows more about her than she knows about herself.  But He doesn’t condemn her - He makes her curious about the truth, and He teaches her.  That might have been the best surprise of all.

I just want to encourage you to watch for those surprises in your life.  They’re there - notice them and be thankful.  Things happen in this life that are unexpected, and they mess up all your plans, and they can make life more difficult for a while - but they can also change your heart.  They can change everything.  Never forget that God is in control of it all, that He’s faithful and that He keeps His promises no matter what changes in life.

Enjoy the rest of your Camp Adventure!  Take too many pictures, laugh too loud, spend time with your friends, learn more than you thought possible.  And watch out for those surprises - they’ll get you every time.  :)

Love,

Tara.

[shout outs]

To Lily - You are the wind beneath my wings, and the guardian angel that I accidentally ran over that one time on the way to Hart.  I love you.

To Ginger - I do miss your shoulders and elbows!  Awkward...but you know what I mean.

To Jewel - I love seeing pictures of you and your smile.  Our small group was the best.  That night we carved pumpkins?  Oh, the most fun!  I love you.  Keep Steve out of trouble.

To the South Africa team - I heard good things about you guys.  Anybody that can make Diana laugh gets points in my book!  Hope you guys are staying sane.  Enjoy this time.

To my classmates - Can you believe it’s been a year since we had our Camp Adventure?  Yeah, me neither.  What a ride it’s been.  I’m still praying for you!  Remember when Charles Speers talked about red hot lovers?

To all the campers considering AIM - Think about it.  Don’t rule it out.  It’s a crazy thing that can take you crazy places and teach you crazy lessons, if you’re open to it.  Crazy and beautiful things can happen.  Be open, willing, and ask yourself what’s stopping you.  You are in the prayers of many.

To Ralph - You are a good man, and a good example.  Thank you for everything.  PS: I emailed you!

To Pat - Have you ever watched the show “Reba?”  Mike and I think that you talk like the dad on that show.  You maybe should check it out.  Miss you, Patricia.

To Barb - You have more strength than can be measured!  Hug Amy for me, and know that you are appreciated and loved.  I once heard someone describe you as the ray of sunshine in the dark basement - it’s kind of corny, but so true.  Oh how I miss you!  Hold down the fort.  :)

Grace.

Grace

Scales the wall and refuses to be restricted.

Grace 

lives above the demands of human opinion and breaks free legalistic relations.

Grace

dares us to take hold of the sledges of courage, break through long-standing stones.

Grace

invites us to chart new courses and explore ever-expanding regions, all the while delighting in the unexpected, while others care more about maintaining the wall and fearing those who guard it.

Grace

is constantly looking for ways of freedom.

Grace

wants to fly, regardless of what grim-faced officials may say or do.

Grace

is demonstrated in the words of Jesus Christ:

"If therefore the Son shall make you free, you are free indeed."

[Pat Baxter]

This is a poem by a man who lives here in Port Elizabeth.  I've never met him, but Tyler and Uncle Ivan have, and Uncle Ivan gave Sasha and me a nice, printed-out version of this poem.  

I just wanted to share it with you, because I thought it was really beautiful.

-Tara.

PS: There is a blog coming up, and it's going to have some big news in it.  I hope you are prepared.

Two adjectives.

It is enough for a disciple to become like his teacher and a slave like his master.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

I have been thinking a lot lately about the ideas of those adjectives - enough, sufficient.  They are big ideas, huge concepts.  This world is so full of people searching for completion in some form.  We are all searching for more.  More money.  More shoes.  More food.  More CDs.  More clothes.  More beauty.  And, closer to home - 

More control.

More peace.

More happiness.

More love.

More acceptance.

If you stop and think for a second about why you do the things you do, you'll probably find that it's because you're looking for more.  That's what I find, anyway.  It's not entirely a bad thing, you know?  I believe that we were made to search, made to look, made to seek things that are bigger than what we are.  God made us to look for things.  We are small, and there are so many wonderfully gigantic ideas out there that are worthy of thought and application in our lives.  We have to look for these things and get beyond ourselves.

But there are things that are enough.  There are things that are sufficient for us.  Things that we can think on and say, "That is it.  That is all I need.  That is enough."  Our problem is when we forget what these things are, forget that other people need to know about them, forget that looking anywhere else will only make us feel incomplete.

It is enough for us to be like Jesus.  It is enough for God to be gracious to us.  It is enough to be loved by God.  It is enough to be cared for, protected, cradled by God.  It is sufficient that God wants our everything.  It is sufficient that God will fight for us.  It is sufficient that Jesus died once.  It is sufficient that we have salvation.  

It is enough, it is enough, it is enough.

And it is sufficient.

The preacher at Pickering Street church of Christ here in Port Elizabeth said this not too long ago, and it stuck.  "Give God your poverty, the very weakness of your life.  Sometimes we think we have to give God a show of strength, but He WANTS to work in a life that is totally emptied, totally dependent."

I want to give God my everything, all my life long, and I want Him to work in my weakness.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to collapse in God's arms and say, "I am exhausted.  And you were right all along - You were enough.  You are sufficient.  And I love you."

This is just some of my heart.  I hope you can identify with it, find some comfort in it.

I love you guys.  I miss you.

-Tara.

 

Oh that Sylvia Plath.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart - I am.  I am.  I am."

-Sylvia Plath.

You know, Sylvia Plath may have been one really messed-up lady, but I think she struck truth with this one.

Sometimes life gets so messy.  Things get so jumbled up, and confused, and painful.  Life is never black and white anymore.  It's technicolor - which means it's both beautiful and complicated.

Sometimes I need to just sit in the closet without the light on, and I need to breathe.  I need to know that my lungs are still functioning and my heart is still beating - because most days, strangely enough, I don't notice them.  I need to settle my thoughts back down and realize what a beautiful thing it is to just be.  I am, I am, I am.  Here, right now, this is me breathing and beating and living.

Even if I can't manage to do anything else right - or anything else, period - I have that knowledge that if I'm still functioning and capable of conscious thought, then there must be a reason.  Somewhere, there's a reason.  There always is.

Oh, that Sylvia Plath.

-Tara.

Here's to everything.

It has been a while.

One day, I'll be really good at blogging.  One day, the entries will be numerous, consistent, truthful, inspiring.  One day, I'll figure out the right balance between telling too much and telling enough.  One day, I'll know how to write to keep them coming back for more.

But that day, unfortunately, is not today.

I've actually been avoiding a new entry.  I've tried to write, believe me, but it just didn't feel like it was coming out right.  So after a bazillion tries, I decided to just wait until it came out properly.

It's just frustrating, you know?  I liked doing this, once upon a time.  I was good at it once, or at least bearable.  But then, I don't know, the break-in happened, culture shock happened, confusion about life in general happened.  And I wasn't sure how to convey all of that in a proper, easy-and-fun-to-read way.  So I just didn't.

But here's to second/third/twelfth chances.  Here's to renewing commitment.  Here's to no judgment.  Here's to truth, here's to writing, here's to having a place to go.  Here's to love, here's to peace (inner and outer), here's to cold showers on hot days.  Here's to traveling, here's to pictures, here's to Converse and new pens.  Here's to starting over.

Here's to you.

Talk to you soon.

-Tara

But godliness with contentment is a great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with these.

- 1 Timothy 6.6-8