Both hands open.

How miserable I am

I feel like a fruitpicker who arrived here

after the harvest

There's nothing here at all

There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger

The godly people are all gone

There's not one honest soul left alive here on this planet

We're all murders and theives

Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands

Are equally skilled

At doing evil

Equally skilled

At bribing the judges

Equally skilled

At perverting justice

Both of our hands

Both of our hands

The day of justice comes

And is even now swiftly arriving

Don't trust anyone at all

Not your best friend or even your wife

For the son hates the father

The daughter despises even the mother

Look! Your enemies are right

Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled

Equally skilled

No, don't gloat over me

For though I fall, though I fall

I will rise again

Though I sit here in darkness

The Lord, the Lord alone

He will be my light

I will be patient as the Lord

Punishes me for the wrongs

I've done against him

After that He'll take my case

Bringing me to light and to justice

For all I have suffered

And both of His hands are equally skilled

At ruining evil

Equally skilled

At judging the judges

Equally skilled

Administering justice

Both of His hands

Both of His hands are equally skilled

At showing them mercy

Equally skilled

At loving the loveless

Equally skilled

Administering justice

Both of His hands

Both of His hands

-"Equally Skilled" by Jon Foreman.

I really like these words.  They are a good reminder for me.  They remind me that

01. I live in a world that is full of people who do wrong.

02. I am one of those people.

03. There is hope.

04. God is capable of forgiving and giving mercy, justice, and love.

05. God's hands are just as open to me as they are to the rest of the world.

06. I don't deserve those open hands.

Five to remember.

Here's a "questionnaire" that Kris sent out to past, future, and current AIMers.  He's going to use some of the answers in a presentation at the Tahoe Family Encampment in a few days.

Just thought I would share my answers, because it was pretty thought-provoking for me to answer the questions.  I was reminded of a lot of things - why I originally wanted to come to AIM, why I stayed in AIM, what I'm learning in AIM.

Enjoy.

01. Why did you come to AIM?  I came to AIM to grow closer to God (learn more Bible, become more disciplined) and to learn how to make disciples for Him.  Here's my theory: He deserves as much praise and worship as possible, and I want to do what I can to help make disciples to praise and worship Him.  Also, I was pretty scared of coming to AIM because it was "out of the norm" for me, but I didn't want to NOT come because I was afraid.  What better way to conquer your fear than to face it head on, right?

02. How have you seen God working during your time in AIM?  I have seen others around me grow in huge ways.  I've seen how AIM has effected the AIM Assistants - they have desire to be close to God, and they see people.  They see needs.  And I've seen God at work in me, through His constant providing and patience.  I've seen God use people to bring others to Him.

03. What was the hardest part?  The hardest part was facing things that I didn't even know I was running from.  It was hard to be completely honest with myself and to deal with the things I needed to deal with.  Growth is always the hardest part.

04. What was the most rewarding part?  Persistence.  It was rewarding to "keep on keeping on" in the school work, because I learned so much from my teachers and mentors.  It was rewarding to "keep on keeping on" in relationships - I grew close to people I will always hold close, and I learned a lot in those relationships.

05. Would you encourage anyone else to come to AIM and if so, why?  I would encourage someone else to come to AIM, definitely.  It's a place to grow and to push yourself, to be open and to have fun.  But most of all, it's a place to learn more about the God who created you, a place to get closer to Him one day at a time.  But it's a decision that should be made prayerfully.

Oats-horn and Bobbie Sue.

Here's an update on what's been happening the past few days.

Thursday, I went to Jeffreys Bay (where we had our retreat about a month ago) with Logan, Neysia, Sasha, and Nyasha.  We got to watch the finals of the Billabong Supertubes Surfing Contest thing...it was awesome!  I've never seen anyone surf like that!  Actually, I've never really seen anyone surf, period - so it was awesome.  Kelly Slater won, and we got to see him in person!  It was way cool.

When Logan pulled up in front of the house to drop us off, Liz and a woman from the church (Celestine) and her children were outside.  Turns out, someone had broken into Celestine's car.

That's two cars in less than a week, both in broad daylight.

Sometimes it's hard to live here, but days like Friday and Saturday make it worthwhile.

We (Diana, Johnathan, Mike, Logan, Anthea, Wendy and I) left Friday to go to Oudtshoorn (said like oats-horn), a town about 4 hours away from PE.  It's the ostrich capital of the world, and it was awesome!  The girls and guys stayed in separate chalets - they were really nice.  Anthea told us that a place like that was normal to stay in.  It had two beds and a couch that had a mattress thing underneath it that pulled out.  We slept very comfortably!  After having breakfast the next morning, we set out for Cango Caves, about 30 minutes away from Oudtshoorn.

I had never been in a cave before.  It was cool!  The girls took the standard tour, where they take you to 5 different chambers in the caves.  It was oddly pretty, and very interesting.  But I felt like I was inhaling carbon dioxide and no oxygen - not the best feeling in the world!  At one point, the guide turned out all the lights so we could see how dark it was in there.  Very cool.

After leaving the caves, we went to the Oudtshoorn Ostrich Farm.  It was ridiculously funny.  We took a tour, and Johnathan and Mike actually got to RIDE an ostrich.  Yeah.  It was crazy.  I got a "neck massage" from the ostriches - the tour guide volunteered me to hold a bucket of feed, with my back to the birds.  Then they came up and ate the food over my shoulders!  They were pecking at it so fast that it did kind of feel like they were "massaging" my neck and shoulders.  But I was too scared to think it felt good!  It was definitely a crazy experience that I can add to my list of Things I Did in Africa.

We got home and pretty much collapsed!  I was so tired, and we had church the next morning.  So bed seemed like the only option that made sense!

Today was difficult though.  It was Logan's last time at church.  I didn't think I would cry, but I did.  It's so weird, you know, because I don't feel like my sadness is really justifiable.  I mean, I only spent about 2 months with the guy - that's nothing compared to how much time he spent with his teammates and the church here.  But I am so proud of him and the work he's done here.  I'm proud that he's my friend and I'm so grateful that we got to know each other better here in South Africa.  When I see Logan with the church members here, it's exactly what I want to be like.  I want my field time to be productive like Logan's was.  I want to learn and grow and make relationships, I want to help and really see people.

So please keep Logan in your prayers as his field time is wrapping up and as he's heading back to the States to start new things in his life.

And Logan, if you're reading this, thanks for everything.  Izzie is really going to miss you, and I think the rest of us might too.  Just don't forget - Bobbie Sue took the money and run.

-Tara.

Is it me you're looking for?

Here's something that made me laugh a lot today.

Hope you enjoy it too.

Square One.

Just an update - 

I called the AIDS Haven today and asked if they needed volunteers.  They're full until November.

Square one, here I come again.

Touch.

I didn't sleep very well last night, but today was a good day.

Our friend Nyasha introduced us to something called The Touch Project.  It's a movement started by a handful of people - mainly 2 girls, Anna and Clair (with no e) - and its main goal is to spread awareness in Port Elizabeth.  Awareness about needs in the community, awareness of opportunities to help, awareness of God and how He works in our lives.  They go out to different organizations - orphanages, care centers, things like that - and find their needs.  Then Clair goes on a Christian radio station here in town and talks about the different places they go to and how others can help.  People do pledges and donate.  Also, they organize a "Day of Kindness" where people go out and volunteer there for a day.  So it's basically just raising awareness about things going on in PE.  Nyasha helps them out, when she's not in school, and she put us in contact with them.  I'm not sure if I'm going to do it every week, but today was cool.

We met the girls at Anna's house, and then went to an AIDS Haven that's about 10 minutes from the Gelvan Park church building.  There, we gave some items that were donated - food, a blanket, and nappies (diapers).  When we pulled up in the parking lot, Clair got a phone call.  We were waiting for her to get off the phone when we saw a group of about 15 little kids, on their way to the preschool they have set up in the compound.  (There are little apartments there for AIDS victims to live in, and there's a big building that has a dining room, a room with a tv, bathrooms, and a kitchen.  It's like a little town within a town.)  At first they were just checking us out, looking us over - and we weren't really sure what to do either.  But one suddenly just started running with his arms open towards us, and Neysia picked him up.  Then they all came.  They wanted to see what we were bringing, and they wanted us to hold them.  I've held little kids before, but none of them have ever held me that tight.  They didn't want to be put down.  Most of them are AIDS orphans - but I got the impression that some of them might be HIV-positive.  We played with them for about 10 minutes, and then got a tour of the facility.

I've never seen people so sick.  We actually didn't get to talk with the people who lived there - just the staff - but as we were walking down the hall, I could see into their rooms.  Most of them were just laying on their beds.  They looked so skinny.  The kids too, all of them were skinny.  But I held two little boys and their stomachs were bloated up and stiff.  I'm not sure if that's a symptom or what, but it was very sad.

This AIDS Haven - I think it's called the House of Resurrection - takes really good care of these people.  They have nurses and staff that know what they're doing.  The kids were just like any other kids.  They pushed each other, ran a lot, laughed and smiled.  Just like normal kids.

Only they've been affected by a disease they're too young to understand.

The woman who gave us the tour seemed to be the head of the operation.  She's only been there for 7 years, but she knows what she's doing.  She told us that the percentage of people with AIDS in Port Elizabeth has gone up significantly in the past two years - it's now at 35%.  And those are only the people who know they have AIDS, and who've admitted they have AIDS.  It's understood that there are more.

I would really like to volunteer there.  It's very sanitary, and they know how to handle HIV and AIDS.  I'm not sure if they need volunteers, but I'm going to contact them tomorrow hopefully and see what kind of information I can get.

Those kids...man.  I can't get them out of my head.  They held on so tight.  But you know, it's not just the kids.  The woman we talked to said that everybody is moved and affected by the kids.

The adults deserve just as much time and energy given to them.  It takes one choice to have your life be affected forever.  It takes a lack of knowledge for your world to be upside down.

And it takes one person at a time to spread knowledge, love, and care.

For more information about The Touch Project, go here.

-Tara.

Black out.

We're experiencing our first South African blackout.

This morning, right before I was going to shower, Neysia told me that we were out of electricity.  Here, you prepay for electricity by taking a card that is in your electric box (ours is in a cabinet in the kitchen) and having it reloaded.  The electricity comes in units, and when you get home you just put some numbers in on the box and then a few seconds later, you have electricity.

I only know this because we ran out once before.

Here was the main problem this morning - we didn't have electricity, so we thought our garage doors wouldn't open.  Which means we couldn't get our car out.  Which means we would have to walk to the petrol station (the gas station - where we buy electricity).  Neysia and Sasha ended up going, and they were back within 30 minutes.  The man at the petrol station said that Mount Croix (our district) was having a blackout.

We heard about these blackouts before we came - that they happened, that they could be pretty irregular, that it was hard to know how long it would last.  But we haven't experienced one until now.

It's really not that bad, because it's light outside.  Neysia and Sasha got the garage door open after they came back (as luck would have it), so we're free to leave if we don't want to be here.  My laptop still has charge, and my cell phone too - though it will probably die in an hour or so.  We just don't have tv (we've only been watching movies on it anyway - our DSTV isn't hooked up yet) or anything like that.  But so far, it's been okay.

In other news, Aberdeen's (a wooden furniture place) delivered by wardrobe today.  I don't know how they made it up our front steps and around all the corners in our house, but they did.  Good thing they are professionals.  My clothes are FINALLY hung up - no more suitcase, no more bookshelf (which is what they were crammed into before).  It looks nice in my room, I'll have to take a picture.  And the wood smell is nice.

The power just came back on.  Looks like that one lasted about 2.5 hours.  Not bad, not bad.

Oh, life.

-Tara.

The initial.

Our car got broken into this morning.

We had some girls over (from the youth group at Gelvan Park, where we worship) for breakfast, so Diana went to pick them up.  They got here at around 10.10 or so, and about 15 minutes later Diana heard the car alarm go off, but she thought she had accidentally set it off, so she just silenced it without really looking at the car.  But then about 10 minutes later, a man rang our doorbell and told us that he was part of the neighborhood watch group and that our car window was smashed.  We went to check it out and, sure enough, it was smashed.  And Diana's cell phone was taken.  But everything else - the papers, the radio, the R70 that was on the floor of the passenger side - was there.  So we taped black trash bags over the window (it had started to rain), and called the insurance company and the police.  The police told us that we needed to come to the station within 24 hours (which we did, and gave a statement and got a case number - I don't think it'll really go anywhere), the insurance said they'd call us back.  Usually in South African business (or at least from what I've observed), "I'll call you back" means "call me back later."  So that's frustrating.  But I don't think our insurance covers stuff like this on our car anyway - I think it just covers the third party.  Nice.

But we did manage to get the window replaced quickly - God has good timing, and He is good to us.  It was R900 for the window and the labor, which is around $140 American dollars.  Not bad, I think.  Especially because it was fast.

But it's just been frustrating.  Lots of things have happened today, have piled up today, and that can be very wearing on a girl's nerves, you know?

For those of you concerned about my physical safety, please transfer that energy into prayer.  We don't live in a bad part of town - it's just an older part, a busy part, a more rundown part.  We live closer to the bad parts of town than we were in Summerstrand, but it's nothing to be really concerned about.  If Ken and Judy thought it wasn't safe, we wouldn't have ever thought about living here.  And my room is safe - it has two locks and it's part of the security system.  I haven't felt really unsafe or threatened, but I do have to keep my eyes open and I have to be aware.  And honestly, I'm just not used to that.  I took advantage of security and safety in the States, and I wasn't even aware of the fact that I didn't have to be aware.  So constantly having to keep my eyes open is exhausting.  But I'll get used to it, I know it.

Just don't worry about me.  Once I get curtains up in my room, I will feel a lot better.  

It's just the initial getting used to here, you know?

Prayers and encouragement deeply appreciated.

-Tara.

Two things.

I'm kind of down, if we're being honest.

There's just a lot going on here now, and I have a lot of goals for myself that I'm having trouble meeting.  But it's not like they're all really important goals - some of them are just daily goals, simple goals, which makes it even worse when I don't meet them.  I might be too hard on myself right now, it's hard to tell.

Please don't worry though, okay?  This is why I haven't written in a while - I didn't want to put anything too negative on here because I was too afraid to make you worry.  Don't worry and don't think that it's like this all of the time, because it's not.  There are really wonderful days, really awesome moments, sometimes long strings of them together.  But then there are those down times, you know?  It's just life - but amplified, since I'm here, doing what I'm doing, exposed to people both here and continents away.  I believe that when you live this kind of life, you don't have the luxury of having secrets.  It's just out there.

So that being said, I've been having trouble.  We've been setting up things at our new house, but I'm tired of running errands for myself.  I want so badly to get started in what I intended to do here - going places, meeting needs, working, loving people, serving.  I know, I know, I can do that anywhere, anytime, any way - but I'm ready to step out of the "normal, every day" life that I've spent the last month setting up for myself, and I'm ready to step into places with needs.  

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I was scared.  We had a hard time getting our outside gate closed (the one that goes from the street to the driveway), because it was broken, and that made me feel really unsafe - especially out in my room, alone.  And on top of that, it was thundering and raining hard, and the wind was strong.  When the wind blows - even just a little - the branches over the "barbeque" area (between my flat and the house) scrape and blow against my walls, and it makes a noise that is, well, not pleasant.  Also, the walls in my room are cement, the floor is ceramic tile, and it's been in the 40s and 50s (Fahrenheit) here at night - so it's very, very cold.

Needless to say, I had a hard time getting to sleep.  I was scared, cold, and alone.  I put on a movie to drown out the scratchy noises and to take my mind off the broken gate, and I eventually fell asleep.

But not before I prayed.

Let me tell you how I feel about prayer now.  You can agree or disagree, and that's okay.  If you feel we need to talk about it, that's okay too.  But here it is.

I feel like I spent most of my life trying to sugar-coat things for God.  When I prayed to Him, I would only give him the "nice" version of the story, or the shortened version, or the easy version.  Not the whole version.  It's like I turned my life into a corny made-for-TV movie for the only one who really saw the whole unedited, uncut version.  I don't know why I did that, but the reasons don't really matter now.

I don't want to sugar-coat things with God.  I don't want to try to put my life into a neat box for Him - He knows what a mess it is.  That's why grace is such a humbling concept.

But I realized sometime in this past year that I wasn't telling God the truth.  I wasn't "flat-out" lying to Him, but I also wasn't telling Him the whole story.  I was drawing lines, building walls, putting up signs, saying He was and wasn't allowed access to certain places in my life.

That's no way to treat the one who created me.

Now I do my best to tell God the truth, all of it.  If my eyes and brain and heart and thoughts and all of my senses are cameras that take footage, I have to believe that God deserves to see the real, raw, uncut and unedited footage that they take in everyday.  God deserves it.

I just wanted to share that with you.  If you disagree, it's okay.  If you agree, thank you for your support.  If you struggle with it, I understand.  It's hard.  Keep contending.

Either way, I hope I said something that will help.

So last night, when I prayed, I told Him that I was really scared and that I was having trouble trusting Him.

It really is better to live life without secrets.

-Tara.

Two things You told me - that You love me, and that You are strong.  (Jon Foreman)

The gecko.

Let me tell you a little story involving three girls from America, a gecko, and a small bathroom.

We're in East London, helping with a VBS.  Diana, Neysia, and I are staying with the du Preez family (two parents, five children) - we're living out in a flat that's separated from the house.  It has a small bathroom, a toilet and sink separated by a partition that folds up accordion-style.  Neysia went in to use the toilet, and I was sitting on the couch that's about four feet from there.  She came out and said, "There's a lizard in there."

I'm pretty sure I said, "No way!"  And when I went to look, sure enough.  A lizard (more specifically, a gecko) on the ceiling.  

I only know that it was a gecko because the boys had caught one at the church building the day before (it had also been on the ceiling).  Gill (pronounced like Jill, she's our host mom) told us that they bite humans when you make them mad.  I already don't have strong affections for creepy crawly things, and that information just made me like the gecko even less.

I thought Diana would be much braver than I was feeling at the moment, so I asked her to come see if she could catch it while Neysia and I stood on the couches.  She got a hanger and a big piece of construction paper that one of the kids had painted on at school (a cow and flowers, I think) and tried to scoot it back out of the open window it came from.

But alas, no luck.  At one point it ran quickly and Diana started screaming, so Neysia and I did too.  We called up to the house to ask Gill to send one of the boys down (ages 10 and 8, I think), but she wouldn't for some reason.  But Chantelle (the oldest daughter, age 20) heard us screaming and came to save us.

When we told her there was a gecko in the bathroom, she just rolled her eyes and smiled.  Apparently there are a lot of geckos here.  Anyway, she also tried to usher it out of the open window - but 10 minutes later, it went into the light fixture and up into the ceiling, never to be heard from again.

That doesn't mean that we weren't hesitant to use the bathroom last night though!

Thought you would enjoy that.  I'll get you pictures of the gecko later.

And more info about East London and the VBS coming up soon!