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heyheytara.posterous.com

Creature of change.

I am so incredibly behind in updating this thing.  Ugh!

Remember that list I had, in the last entry, of things I wanted to write about and update you on?  Yeah.  That may not actually happen.  I'm sorry!  But know this - everything on that list was something that has impacted my time here in a wonderful and beautiful way.  I have so many memories from this place and my time here, and I love it.  I'm so grateful to God!

Here's something, though.  I think it's time to change switch around this blog thing.  I've used this site for a good two years now, and I'm up for a change.  It's really not that big of a deal, but I want to start putting my thoughts down in a different place.  I'm a creature of change and I need a new start.

And I'd like you to come along with me.

All of that to say - I'm going to start writing in a new place.  This old blog will still exist for a while, but within a month or two, I'm probably going to delete it.  (I only feel okay about doing this because my wonderful family has printed out pretty much everything I've ever written on here.  Yay for memories!)

So the next time you're curious about what's going on in my crazy head, please go to

heyheytara.posterous.com

and you can find me there.  You can see pictures and still comment, and I would love to see you there.

Always,

Tara.

great/beautiful/precious.

I have so, so much that I want to write about!

Camp Genesis.

Volunteering at the hospital.

The killer migraine I just had.

The Lakeview Girls' Outing today.

Fourth of July/where I was a year ago.

How I saw a glimpse of God's character while getting a head massage.

My future plan thingies.

But...I don't really have much time to write right now.  And I want to have plenty of time and space to write about these things, because these are great and beautiful and precious things to me.  They are my "recently past current" (or just plain current) events, things that I am gleaning bits of wisdom from - and I'd like to share some of those bits one day.

But that day is not today.

It will, however, be soon.

So - I'll be right back!  :)

Love,

Tara.

"And I just loved you."

I'm watching "Sweet Home Alabama."  I haven't seen this movie in ages.

It's pretty good.  Like most movies today, it has some things in it that are totally unnecessary to the plot that could be taken out and that would make the movie a little cleaner - but other than that, it's pretty good.  Watching it again brings back all the memories of when I watched it the first time, and that's the longest story of my life.

Okay, maybe not THE longest, but a pretty long one anyway.

I took today off, even though it's Friday.  I didn't really get a day off this week since I had volunteer orientation at the hospital Monday and Tuesday morning, and Wednesday afternoon, and I feel like I've been on the run for a good amount of time now.  I needed a day where I could say, "Alright.  What do I want to do now?"  And after I do that, I can do the next thing that I want to do.  No plans.  No expectations.  Just...open.  Put some gas in the car and just do whatever.

That might be selfish, but I haven't gotten to do it for a while, and I won't get to do it for another while, so today was the day.  I cleaned some, drove out to Dale (woo!  Mini road trip.  I loved it), went to Starbucks and read my book (Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy), went to Walmart and got some new flip-flops (the last two pair I've bought have been the wrong size) and some new earrings (studs - I can't wear dangly ones when I volunteer at the hospital), and then came home and had lunch and started watching the movie.

Who else knows what will happen today.  Maybe I'll write some more later.  :)

TaraRowan

For tomorrow.

Oh, today was a day.

You might think, "Well of course today was a day.  A day is a twenty-four hour time period in which one has time to both be awake and asleep, to be productive and to rest, to make hundreds and hundreds of choices that may or may not have a lasting effect.  So of course today was a day."

And you'd be right in thinking that.  Today, in many ways, was a typical day.  Twenty-four hours, being awake and asleep, producing and resting, and choice upon choice.

But what I mean when I say that today was a day is that today was one of THOSE days.

You know the ones.

The ones that just start off on the wrong side of the metaphorical bed?

The ones that find you being late and you can't figure out why?

The ones where you spill milk, the worst substance to spill because not only does it make a mess, but it soaks in and rots?

The ones where not only do you spill that milk, but you spill it on your bed?

The ones where you lay down to take that nap, but you just can't get to sleep?

Yeah.  It was one of those.

But you know, there were good parts too.  Thank God, seriously, for the good, beautiful, small, little, seemingly unimportant wonderful things that bump into you when you're having one of those days.

I am ready for tomorrow though.

Grown-Up Update, Or Something.

Dear World,

I would just like you to know that I just killed a spider.

I know, I know, it's not that big of a deal.  It's just a spider.  I'm sure it wasn't even deadly, and it didn't even show signs of hostility towards me (or Fish Vera Wang), but I am just not okay with that thing crawling around my apartment!  Next thing you know, I'll wake up with it on my face.

So clearly not okay.

I would just like to document this moment - I, Tara, have killed my first ever spider.

And I did it.  Alone.  And out of my very own will power.

But just for posterity's sake, I should mention that I called my dad while I did it, so that I could have a witness, and for some encouragement.  (I know it's dumb, but what if that thing had LEAPT?!)  Also, I may - just may - have squealed just a little bit when I went in for the kill.

But none of that matters, World.  The point is that I did it!  I'm starting to be a real-life grown up!

...or something like that.

More grown-up updates to come.

Love,

Tara.

Love love. Love,

The wedding was beautiful.  It was amazing.  It was fun, spunky, energetic, and tender too.

I loved it!

I hope that one day, iffin' I get married ever (emphasis on the ever), that mine is similar to how Shane and Lauren's was.

Love weddings.

Love love.

Love,

Tara.

The beauty in my life.

Isn't it crazy

How [life] slips right into your [life]

Forces everything else to the side

Fall in love at a glance, and that's alright

Isn't it crazy

How we never felt {so alive}

Until your world collided with mine

Trade love for a chance, that's alright

{I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by}

That I need you forever when your eyes met mine

[I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name]

You'd be the beauty in my life, always

I never knew I could love someone

Never knew I could feel [so complete]

After all is said and done, our love will still be holding up strong

I'd give all I have for love, that's alright

{I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by}

That I need you forever when your eyes met mine

[I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name]

You'd be the beauty in my life, always

After all {we have each other}

Nothing can hold us back from all 

that this life has put in our path

We will survive

{I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by}

That I need you forever when your eyes met mine

[I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name]

You'd be the beauty in my life, always 

"Always" by Stars Go Dim

The song my cousin's fiancee is walking down the aisle to.  Beautiful.  Listen to it.  Today!

Love,

Tara.

I'm helped to see.

Photography helps people to see.  (Berenice Abbott)

Today was good.  I felt like there were lots of moments of creativity, lots of times of thinking about what would look nice in a beautiful and simple way, lots of times of deciding things in a happy way.  I loved decorating for the rehearsal dinner, and taking pictures of the rehearsal and the eating and the dinner (which I guess are the same things, but "the dinner" seems more like the act of people sitting around, being together, eating.  Or something).

I love, love, love taking pictures.  I wish I was better at it.  Maybe one day, I will be.  But for tonight, it was enough to do be able to have as much fun with it as I did.

I know it sounds kind of crazy probably, but I just feel like I am significantly more at peace with a camera in front of my face.  I like looking at the world through a frame.  It feels nice and makes my brain slow down for just a second.  I love it.

But anyway, maybe I'll take some more tomorrow.  I hope so.  There are other plans for tomorrow too - I have some late birthday things to do for my Ma, like take her to Bath & Body Works, and to Thai Thai.  Needless to say, I'm excited.

I'm so glad for this trip.  I love Lubbock, and I love my family.  I enjoy weddings, I enjoy taking photographs.  I'm enjoying this.

I'm blessed.

Love,

Tara.

PS: Below is a picture I took today, one of my favorites.

Navy Taxi.

Take your time, love, because you don't have to rush.  'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart - don't let them put you in a box.

- "Navy Taxi" by Kate Nash

I'm in Lubbock, in a hotel room.

The hotel room of my nearly-married cousin, to be more specific.

I can't believe someone that I feel close to is getting married.

But here's the thing: it's actually two someones, because my long-time friend from elementary/middle/high school/present times is also getting married, in a little over a month.

It just reminds me that I'm growing up, and along with the twelvepointsevenmillion other reminders that I feel like I'm getting, it just feels a little overwhelming.  

I know I'm not doing it alone, I know that.

It's just a little hard to come in contact with so many people who seem to not even be close to alone.

But as my good friend Lily says - 

"God is great.  Coffee is good.  People are crazy."

Love,

Tara.

Eighteen's good enough for me.

Oh this blog.  It seems like I neglect it until that point where it seems I have too much information to not post something, just in case there are some people out there who don't have a clue where I am or what I doing.  Which is entirely possible for the aforementioned reason - I neglect my blog.  :)

So, here are the updates, in the form of a numbered list- because it's just easier that way.

o1.  I now live in Shawnee, Oklahoma.
o2.  I have my own apartment.
o3.  And yes, I live alone.
o4.  And yes, I'm still in the AIM program.
05.  I'm just finishing out my time on a field that's less than two hours from my house.  Which, I know, is kind of funny in a sort of weird way.

o6.  I'm working with Lakeview church of Christ.

o7.  It's out in Bethel Acres, Oklahoma - a short ten minutes from Shawnee.

o8.  I love that congregation, already.  They are flawed, beautiful, outreaching, struggling, accepting, and loving.  I like that they put me to use so quickly without abusing me.

09.  I'm looking at different places to volunteer at in Shawnee during the week.

10.  I've applied at the local hospital, the Red Cross, and I'm thinking about the Salvation Army.

11.  There are tons of opportunities.

12.  I also am a sort of "on-call" receptionist for Family Promise, an organization that helps homeless families get back on their feet.

13.  Obviously, I also try to help out around the church - doing random bits wherever they need me.  

14.  I'll be teaching the kindergarten Bible school class this summer, and I'm pretty excited about that.

15.  I have a weekly date with the church vacuum cleaner.

16.  The sentence I have said most often in my experience in ministry?  "Just put me where you need me most."

17.  I think that there is a lot of potential here, and a lot of work to be done.

18.  I have been on my field one month (as of tomorrow), and have had the following emotions so far: exhaustion, mild frustration, wonder, surprise, awkwardness, extreme gratitude, love, delight, happiness, joy.

I could go on forever, I know.  But I think eighteen is just enough.

If you have any questions or comments, once again, please don't hesitate.  ASK.  One thing about me putting my life out here in this form, for whoever to read, is that I make it available for questioning, open for prodding - a scary thing for sure.  But there's a strength in being transparent and vulnerable, and that's the truth.

So, ask.  Question.  Comment.  Tell me.  Talk with me.  Let me know.  I'm here!

Thanks for reading.

-Tara.

I agree with Ingrid.

I have watched so many movies lately - it's been pretty wonderful.

Casablanca.  An Affair to Remember.  Funny Face.  The Way We Were.  Ice Castles.  Pretty in Pink.  Only You.  

Ridiculous, huh?  And there's more to come.

No art passes our conscience in the way film does, and goes directly to our feelings, deep down in the dark rooms of our souls.  (Ingrid Bergman)

Whatever you are.

I should have written this as soon as I got back, but I didn't.

And as I like to say, "No time like when I should have done it, a while ago!"  

Anyway, I'm home - in Oklahoma.  Right now, I'm in Duncan.  In my old house, with all its same smells, and in my room, with its same bed and blankets and pillows.  I've missed it, truly.

The plans are as follows: I'm going up to Shawnee to continue my AIM time.  Yes, that's right - I will be doing mission work in Shawnee, Oklahoma!  I know, it's hard to really imagine.  Most people define mission work (even if just subconsciously) as something that must be done on foreign soil.  SO not true!

God's people - every single person He created - need God.  We also need each other: to help, to listen, to babysit, to call, to text, to teach kids' Bible school class, to volunteer, to drink coffee with, to serve soup, to see at church, to laugh with, to call crying, to do office work, to answer the phones, to answer questions, to talk to, to hear us, to help us figure out life, to help us understand, to read with us, to help us find the right path and understand God's character more.  I am a firm believer that God created us to be in relationship with Him, and with one another - and that relationship that we have with one another takes a lot of different shapes and sizes.  You can teach someone a lot about what God is like by how you act, and how you serve, and how you live, and what you say.  We are here to help each other.

And so I am going to help whoever I can help in Shawnee, Oklahoma.

I had the same goal when I went to South Africa.  I wanted to listen, watch, hear, observe, learn, teach, serve, help.  And I do think that I did those things.  But I was also profoundly affected - I was listened to, watched, heard, observed, taught, served, helped...by both the people there and my team.  I'm sure the same thing will happen in Shawnee.  It's a give and take.  You have an impact on who you are around, and in return - you are impacted.  What a beautiful circle.

So that's the update.  I seriously, truly, honestly am going to try more to write in this.  Agh, why do I find it so hard to stay consistent with this?  I will keep trying.

If you have any questions, please, please, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't hesitate to ask me.  Post it on here.  Email me.  Call me.  Facebook me.  Send me smoke signals, a carrier pidgeon, Morse code.  Anything!  Just don't be afraid to ask, and don't take the long road and ask someone else.  I'm here.  As one of my favorite teachers once said, "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people afraid to ask."  :)

Love,

Tara.

Whatever you are, be a good one.  (Abraham Lincoln)

Time.

It's time.
I'm sure that most everyone who reads this thing knows this by now, but I am no longer in South Africa.
I left on March 25th, and the reasons for that departure run deep. To put it simply, I felt like it was time to let God take me in a different direction. I needed to take a bigger leap of faith in God. It doesn't have anything to do with my teammates or my coordinators or the South African people - it's a decision based on how I felt I was serving my God and those around me. I need time to heal, time to be away, and a new place to serve. I'm still in the AIM program and I will be until graduation, in March 2010. I'm just going to serve in a different place.
And God, as always, has provided.
I am in Oklahoma now, and I will be for the next few weeks. I am hoping to see lots of people that I've missed, so I'm going to be all over the place. But I have a new cell phone number and an old email address, so if you want to contact me, it won't be hard. I'd love to hear from you and answer any questions you have.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support through this crazy journey. Where would I be without you?
See you soon!
It's time.
-Tara.

"Things change, but your ability to love remains intact."

- Reese Witherspoon.

Not the big news, but a brownbag nonetheless.

[Brown bag - 18 March, 2009.]

Hey guys!  I hope you’re having a great time at Camp Adventure!  I loved it - both when I went as a camper, and last year, when I was an AIMer.  It’s a lot of work, and it’s exhausting, but I think that what you gain from those days is worth every bit of energy you spend.  I encourage you to put your whole heart into what you are doing, and keep your eyes wide open for what God is teaching you.  Sometimes He uses the smallest things to teach us what we most need to learn, and that is a beautiful thing.

I was trying to think of a cool story from South Africa to share with you, and I couldn’t really come up with anything big.  I didn’t see any lions walking out and about, there weren’t any sharks the last time we went to the beach, and the roof on our hut doesn’t leak anymore.  (Just kidding about the hut - we live in a nice, second-story flat.  One that doesn’t leak.)  Most of the stories I can think to tell you are about the little things, the tiny moments and surprises that make you stop and be grateful for the life you have.

One of these moments happened just the other day.  At the end of our hallway, there is an older Indian (Not Native American, but from India!) lady.  There are always these wonderful food smells coming from her flat, and sometimes she leaves her door propped open and we see her doing laundry.  Sasha and I were coming home just a few days ago, and we were laughing and carrying on about something, and we saw her.  The three of us exchanged the usual, “Hey, how are you?  Good, thanks!”  As we turned to walk away, she said, “I’ve been missing you guys!”  It was just a really neat thing to happen.  I mean, we’ve never even really talked to her before - she’s only heard us being loud in the hallway (a hard habit to break for the typical American).  I guess she hadn’t had her door propped open the last few days, or maybe she’d been out visiting a friend or something.  Either way, it was a nice surprise to hear from a stranger that we’ve been missed...or even that we had been noticed.

I just think that those surprises, those little things that happen even though you don’t expect them, can be the most wonderful moments in your life.  Sometimes they change how you see people around you, sometimes they change how you see yourself.  And sometimes, they can even change your entire life.

Like the Samaritan woman at the well, in John 4.1-26.  This is a story we all have heard more than once - and for good reason.  There are so many lessons to learn from these 26 verses!  But as good as it is for us to read and to draw wisdom from, it was REAL for one woman.  This lady - a social outcast who had been married five times, a woman who was living with a man she wasn’t married to - had come to the well at a time of day when the other women weren’t there.  She didn’t want to have to face them, or face anyone who knew her past and how she was choosing to live.  She just wanted to get water, and to get it alone.

But then she got a surprise - there was a man there.  Jesus, the gift of God, the Giver of eternal life, the Messiah.  He was there, and He wanted water...from her.  As they talk, she discovers that He knows more about her than she knows about herself.  But He doesn’t condemn her - He makes her curious about the truth, and He teaches her.  That might have been the best surprise of all.

I just want to encourage you to watch for those surprises in your life.  They’re there - notice them and be thankful.  Things happen in this life that are unexpected, and they mess up all your plans, and they can make life more difficult for a while - but they can also change your heart.  They can change everything.  Never forget that God is in control of it all, that He’s faithful and that He keeps His promises no matter what changes in life.

Enjoy the rest of your Camp Adventure!  Take too many pictures, laugh too loud, spend time with your friends, learn more than you thought possible.  And watch out for those surprises - they’ll get you every time.  :)

Love,

Tara.

[shout outs]

To Lily - You are the wind beneath my wings, and the guardian angel that I accidentally ran over that one time on the way to Hart.  I love you.

To Ginger - I do miss your shoulders and elbows!  Awkward...but you know what I mean.

To Jewel - I love seeing pictures of you and your smile.  Our small group was the best.  That night we carved pumpkins?  Oh, the most fun!  I love you.  Keep Steve out of trouble.

To the South Africa team - I heard good things about you guys.  Anybody that can make Diana laugh gets points in my book!  Hope you guys are staying sane.  Enjoy this time.

To my classmates - Can you believe it’s been a year since we had our Camp Adventure?  Yeah, me neither.  What a ride it’s been.  I’m still praying for you!  Remember when Charles Speers talked about red hot lovers?

To all the campers considering AIM - Think about it.  Don’t rule it out.  It’s a crazy thing that can take you crazy places and teach you crazy lessons, if you’re open to it.  Crazy and beautiful things can happen.  Be open, willing, and ask yourself what’s stopping you.  You are in the prayers of many.

To Ralph - You are a good man, and a good example.  Thank you for everything.  PS: I emailed you!

To Pat - Have you ever watched the show “Reba?”  Mike and I think that you talk like the dad on that show.  You maybe should check it out.  Miss you, Patricia.

To Barb - You have more strength than can be measured!  Hug Amy for me, and know that you are appreciated and loved.  I once heard someone describe you as the ray of sunshine in the dark basement - it’s kind of corny, but so true.  Oh how I miss you!  Hold down the fort.  :)

Grace.

Grace

Scales the wall and refuses to be restricted.

Grace 

lives above the demands of human opinion and breaks free legalistic relations.

Grace

dares us to take hold of the sledges of courage, break through long-standing stones.

Grace

invites us to chart new courses and explore ever-expanding regions, all the while delighting in the unexpected, while others care more about maintaining the wall and fearing those who guard it.

Grace

is constantly looking for ways of freedom.

Grace

wants to fly, regardless of what grim-faced officials may say or do.

Grace

is demonstrated in the words of Jesus Christ:

"If therefore the Son shall make you free, you are free indeed."

[Pat Baxter]

This is a poem by a man who lives here in Port Elizabeth.  I've never met him, but Tyler and Uncle Ivan have, and Uncle Ivan gave Sasha and me a nice, printed-out version of this poem.  

I just wanted to share it with you, because I thought it was really beautiful.

-Tara.

PS: There is a blog coming up, and it's going to have some big news in it.  I hope you are prepared.

Two adjectives.

It is enough for a disciple to become like his teacher and a slave like his master.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

I have been thinking a lot lately about the ideas of those adjectives - enough, sufficient.  They are big ideas, huge concepts.  This world is so full of people searching for completion in some form.  We are all searching for more.  More money.  More shoes.  More food.  More CDs.  More clothes.  More beauty.  And, closer to home - 

More control.

More peace.

More happiness.

More love.

More acceptance.

If you stop and think for a second about why you do the things you do, you'll probably find that it's because you're looking for more.  That's what I find, anyway.  It's not entirely a bad thing, you know?  I believe that we were made to search, made to look, made to seek things that are bigger than what we are.  God made us to look for things.  We are small, and there are so many wonderfully gigantic ideas out there that are worthy of thought and application in our lives.  We have to look for these things and get beyond ourselves.

But there are things that are enough.  There are things that are sufficient for us.  Things that we can think on and say, "That is it.  That is all I need.  That is enough."  Our problem is when we forget what these things are, forget that other people need to know about them, forget that looking anywhere else will only make us feel incomplete.

It is enough for us to be like Jesus.  It is enough for God to be gracious to us.  It is enough to be loved by God.  It is enough to be cared for, protected, cradled by God.  It is sufficient that God wants our everything.  It is sufficient that God will fight for us.  It is sufficient that Jesus died once.  It is sufficient that we have salvation.  

It is enough, it is enough, it is enough.

And it is sufficient.

The preacher at Pickering Street church of Christ here in Port Elizabeth said this not too long ago, and it stuck.  "Give God your poverty, the very weakness of your life.  Sometimes we think we have to give God a show of strength, but He WANTS to work in a life that is totally emptied, totally dependent."

I want to give God my everything, all my life long, and I want Him to work in my weakness.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to collapse in God's arms and say, "I am exhausted.  And you were right all along - You were enough.  You are sufficient.  And I love you."

This is just some of my heart.  I hope you can identify with it, find some comfort in it.

I love you guys.  I miss you.

-Tara.

 

Oh that Sylvia Plath.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart - I am.  I am.  I am."

-Sylvia Plath.

You know, Sylvia Plath may have been one really messed-up lady, but I think she struck truth with this one.

Sometimes life gets so messy.  Things get so jumbled up, and confused, and painful.  Life is never black and white anymore.  It's technicolor - which means it's both beautiful and complicated.

Sometimes I need to just sit in the closet without the light on, and I need to breathe.  I need to know that my lungs are still functioning and my heart is still beating - because most days, strangely enough, I don't notice them.  I need to settle my thoughts back down and realize what a beautiful thing it is to just be.  I am, I am, I am.  Here, right now, this is me breathing and beating and living.

Even if I can't manage to do anything else right - or anything else, period - I have that knowledge that if I'm still functioning and capable of conscious thought, then there must be a reason.  Somewhere, there's a reason.  There always is.

Oh, that Sylvia Plath.

-Tara.

Here's to everything.

It has been a while.

One day, I'll be really good at blogging.  One day, the entries will be numerous, consistent, truthful, inspiring.  One day, I'll figure out the right balance between telling too much and telling enough.  One day, I'll know how to write to keep them coming back for more.

But that day, unfortunately, is not today.

I've actually been avoiding a new entry.  I've tried to write, believe me, but it just didn't feel like it was coming out right.  So after a bazillion tries, I decided to just wait until it came out properly.

It's just frustrating, you know?  I liked doing this, once upon a time.  I was good at it once, or at least bearable.  But then, I don't know, the break-in happened, culture shock happened, confusion about life in general happened.  And I wasn't sure how to convey all of that in a proper, easy-and-fun-to-read way.  So I just didn't.

But here's to second/third/twelfth chances.  Here's to renewing commitment.  Here's to no judgment.  Here's to truth, here's to writing, here's to having a place to go.  Here's to love, here's to peace (inner and outer), here's to cold showers on hot days.  Here's to traveling, here's to pictures, here's to Converse and new pens.  Here's to starting over.

Here's to you.

Talk to you soon.

-Tara

But godliness with contentment is a great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with these.

- 1 Timothy 6.6-8