12.19.2008

You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You, 
for it is trusting in You.
-Isaiah 26.3

A better day today, although it was spent almost entirely in solitude.  Maybe because it was spent almost entirely in solitude?

12.18.2008

There's a time.

It's a funny thing, irritation.

What's the line between irritation and anger?  When does frustration turn into wrath?  How do anger and wrath look different, and are irritation and frustration the same thing?

I'm just thinking all of these things because I was irritated, or frustrated, or whatever, just now.

And really, what a weird feeling.  That instantaneous, gut-clinching, wall-building, fist-raising feeling of "are you SERIOUS?"  I hate that feeling.

Which is why I'm trying to second-guess it, you know?  Decide if it's really worthwhile or not.

Because - as we all know - there is such a thing as anger that exists for stupid reasons.

It's hard to be frustrated and have to consciously decide, "I will let this go.  I will unclench the knots in my stomach.  I will not raise my voice, fist, or walls around my heart.  I will let it go, because chances are, it's not a big deal anyway."

There is a time to fight, and a time to just drop it.


In other news, I'm reading this book, Shantaram (by Gregory David Roberts).  I am pretty sure that it was written as a memoir, a true story about something that the author actually did.  He tells about how he was in prison in Australia - sentenced to twenty years because of armed robberies - and how he escaped over the front wall of the prison.  He went, as a fugitive, to Bombay, India.  I haven't gotten far enough in the book to know how long he stays there or what exactly happens, but I've read enough to know that he gets involved with the Bombay mafia, as a street fighter.  I'm going to put the first few sentences here, just to give you a feel for the book.


It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured.  I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them.  It doesn't sound like much, I know.  But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility.  And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.  

In my case, it's a long story, and a crowded one.  I was a revolutionary who lost his ideals in heroin, a philosopher who lost his integrity in crime, and a poet who lost his soul in a maximum-security prison...


This book, I'm telling you, is so good.  I wish I could write like he does, explain and describe like he does.  Part of me wishes I could go on adventures like he does, but the other part knows that I am just as content to sit here on my bed and read about them.

So I encourage you to go out and find a copy of this book, and read it.  Take it for what it's worth, but read it and soak it in.  We can learn a lot from what others go through.


That's all for today.  It's very humid and I'm thirsty.

Love you guys.

-Tara.

12.16.2008

It's different.

It's hot here.
It's 16 December and it's hot.
And there's a beach outside my window.
And all the cars are driving on the other side of the road.
And there are no green dollar bills in my wallet.
And I live in a flat.
And I have roommates.
And I have to dial a lot of numbers to talk to my family.
And all the electrical sockets look weird.
And I talk differently than everybody on the outside.
...And did I mention it was hot?
That it was hot in December?

So I'm missing home a lot.  I think this feeling started back in October, because October starts my favorite time of the year.  Fall, football season, cooler weather, leaves, scarves, hot drinks, grey skies, holidays.
At least, that's what it's like back "home."
It's different here in the RSA.  A lot different.
I am learning so much.  Different isn't bad, it's just...different.  It is what it is.  I wanted to experience a new place, and I am experiencing it to its fullest - in all its difference.
It's hard, it hurts, and I miss you guys.
I love the packages and letters and cards that you send.  They give me the strangest feelings - joy at hearing from you, hurt that I can't be with you, determination to finish this thing, sadness because I miss you more than I thought possible.
Since we're telling the truth here, I should say that sometimes when I open the packages, I go through them and then I have to put the stuff away for a while, just because it makes me so sad.  But don't worry - a few days later, I always come back to it and appreciate it even more.
Adjusting, learning, trying, seeking, working, missing, deciding, doing, breathing - living.
Love you guys.  I'm going to try to get back into the swing of writing in here, so expect more of these, okay?
-Tara.


12.10.2008

Brrrrrrrown Baaaaaag.

Hey hey, you guys!  How are things going there?  I hear it's cold and windy and snowy.  No lie, I'm pretty jealous.  Enjoy it, be happy for it, take lots of pictures in it - because when you celebrate Christmas next year, you may be in a place where it is completely different.

For this brown bag letter, I'd like to tell you about the place where I'm working.  It's called the House of Resurrection, and it's an AIDS Haven.  It's like a nursing home, except it's for people who have AIDS.  The patients live there, sleep there, eat there, everything.  I just started working at The Haven about a month ago, so I'm still learning the ins and outs of the place, but I've really enjoyed my work so far. They have about 10 or 15 adults that live there, and a lot of children - all under the age of 12, I would guess.  Some of the kids are really very sick, and the secretary said the reason they don't have older kids is because they just simply don't live that long.  What a huge reminder that life is not to be wasted.

I've been working in the nursery with the babies, which is both challenging and fun.  There are 2 girls and 5 boys that stay in the nursery, and they are all at different levels of health.  The Haven is for children and adults who have gone into the hospital because they've gotten sick and are HIV-positive, but they can't take care of themselves.  Some of the babies and the kids are AIDS orphans, but most (if not all) of them are HIV-positive.  There's one baby boy who is a year and a half old, and he just came in a few weeks ago.  His forearm is the width of my thumb - he's very sick.  Everytime I see him, I think of how fragile life is, and how dangerous the consequences of our actions can be.  Amazing how little Lusipho can make me think twice about how I affect people.  He won't even remember me.

I have learned a lot from working at The Haven.  I think the first thing I learned there is that kids are kids, no matter where they are, no matter how sick they are.  Babies cry for the same reasons all over the world.  Kids steal toys from each other no matter what they're playing with, and they'll always find a way to entertain themselves.  It's amazing, and I just know that God created them to be that way.  The second thing I learned is that people in this world need a lot of love, and to stop giving is not an option.  For example, my second day of working in the nursery, the head nurse left me alone with the seven babies.  ("Babies" meaning anywhere from a year to three years old.)  They were hungry and cranky and their Barney tape was over, and I had no clue what to do.  Three of them were crying, one was holding onto my leg for dear life, two needed to be changed, and the other one was somehow sleeping through it all.  They each needed attention in a different way, but I couldn't give them everything they needed at once.  What I wanted to do was sit down and relax for a second, but there was no way I could do that to them.  They needed things!  So what did I do?  Loaded up as many as I could in my arms (and the one on my leg!) and went down the hall to get help.

Working at The Haven has taught me a lot about God.  He is so huge, so infinite, that He can give each of us exactly what we need without thinking twice.  He doesn't have to think about which one of us comes before the other - our needs all matter.  Our needs are all the same.  My needs are the same as the needs of the people who stay at The Haven.  Your needs are the same as the needs of the person next to you.  They all matter equally to God.  He loves us all equally.  He chose us, He wants us.  He wants to take care of our needs.  Do we let Him?

How often do we grab onto Him, hang onto His hand for dear life?

Some days at The Haven are very difficult.  To tell you otherwise would be lying.  But that's how it goes in ministry, especially when you work with people who are very broken and very sick.  I'm thankful beyond words for the opportunity that God has given me to work at the AIDS Haven, and I'm thankful that He has the wisdom and amazing sense of timing to use others to teach me what I can't seem to teach myself.

May God use someone to teach you big lessons this week.  Please don't stress out too much while they form the teams - it really will be okay.  That I can promise you.  God is going to take care of everything.  He's got this one.

I love you guys, and I am praying for you from PE.

-Tara.

[Shout outs.]
To Cassey - I saw some of your videos on Facebook.  You are cray-cray!  And...I'm still praying.  If you need to talk, you know where I am.  PS: I would have been totally stoked about the concert too.  :)
To SBH - I really like that Sandi Thom song.  Like, really!  We've been listening to it every morning.  And getting it stuck in our heads...every morning.  Thank you!  I'm glad it makes you think of me.
To Jedda - I really like your name.  Let's talk sometime, hey?
To Rachel - I miss you and your smile.
To Sommer - Let's go camping sometime!  Like in GV!  I'll bring the chocolate and you bring the marshmallows.  Whaddaya say?
To Kristen Pope - Remember during Camp Adventure when I was trying to do our devo at night and I kept getting text messages from a certain boy?  Oh good grief!  Haha, what a time.
To Matt Hoadley - I'm still waiting on Skype!  Where you be?
To Lily - If I were there in Lubbs, I would snuggle with you.  You can be my mom anytime.  ;)
To Patty-Pat-Pat, Ralph, and Sunshine Barb - I love you guys, and I'm so glad you went to Italy.  I hope you ate lots of good food and had a great time.  Feel like taking a little road trip down to the RSA?  I miss you over here.  (PS: Kris, I still can't remember which one you are and which one I am!  Oh I have issues.)
To all the rest - Hang in there, have a great week, and read 2 Thessalonians 3.1-5.  It really helped me out.  Stay strong, stay in the Word, and take care of each other.

11.18.2008

Brown bag again.

Hey guys!  Man, I am sorry I haven’t written in so long.  I wish I had a really good excuse, like - “We lost power every Tuesday for the last three months!” or “I let a local friend borrow my computer and I just now got it back!”  I don’t have an excuse like that, but in all fairness, my computer was stolen and we did go on a three-week road trip across South Africa.  So life has been kind of crazy.


But to be honest, the main reason I haven’t written is that I’ve had a real problem with knowing what to write.  I think back on my Wednesdays in Lubbock and I remember loving them - brownbags were, to me, really cool and encouraging.  I loved hearing the awesome stories from far away, and knowing that there were people just like me out there who thought that this was all worth it...that was (and is) priceless to me.  


So when it came MY turn to write YOU letters, I wanted them to be a lot of things.  Fun.  Encouraging.  Wise.  But more than anything, I wanted them to be real.  I wanted you to see that there is a real world out there, and there is real work to be done, and that you really can do it.  I wanted to be real and truthful with you, and never cover anything up.  I wanted to be honest, and share with you what was going on in my life in South Africa.


You’d think it’d be easy to be honest, you know?  But I sat down at the computer on a lot of Tuesdays, just tapping my fingers and waiting for the words to come.  When those guys broke into my flat and took everything I had that was worth anything, I didn’t know what to say to you.  How could I tell you that it was all worth it, when I wasn’t sure then that it was?  How could I tell you that I knew God was really providing for me and protecting me, when I was scared to be anywhere alone?  It was a hard time.  I feel like I’m just now getting my feet back under me.


But looking back, I have seen God provide in bigger ways than I thought possible.  I knew from the start of AIM that God blessed me with great supporters, but they have really gone above and beyond in these last few months.  My home congregation, in Duncan, OK (woot woot!), agreed to help me replace everything that was stolen back in the end of July.  Since then, I’ve been able to get a new cell phone and help pay for my part of our car (a 1995 white Opel Astra.  We like to call him “Little Brucey.”)  And I was able to get a new laptop.  God is so very good to me - but shame on me for taking so long to see it.


Now, all of that to say this: I would really like to start writing you guys more.  I feel almost like I’m asking permission, which I know I don’t have to do, but I am very sorry that I’ve neglected to do for you what was so important to me.  Thank you for your Reply Sheet Thingies - they really are very encouraging.  Some of the things you wrote really made me laugh...you’re crazy!  Keep them coming, okay?


I just wanted to share with you something that I learned from Ken (one half of the Kendall-Ball Coordinating Team!) a couple of weeks ago, when he was teaching a class at church.  He was talking about the first chapter of 1 Peter.  There’s some really great stuff in there, but what he said about verse 22 has really helped me these last few days.  I’m going to put the verse right here (HCSB, anyone?) so we don’t waste any time.

“By obedience to the truth, having purified yourselves for sincere love of the brothers, love one another earnestly from a pure heart...”


There are a whole lot of things we could talk about in this verse, but let’s think about the ways this verse says we are supposed to love.  Sincerely.  Earnestly.  From a pure heart.  Ken did his homework on this one and gave us some really great cultural references.  The word “sincere” comes from the time when artists would make statues out of marble.  If they slipped and took a chunk out of what they were working on, they would fill it with wax.  It would LOOK whole and complete, but it wasn’t purely marble anymore.  It wasn’t whole.  It would melt under the sun, and expose its true self.  “Sincere” means “without wax.”  Love each other without wax. Be honest, be true with each other.  If you make a mistake, be real about it - and start over.  This is our job as brothers and sisters.  This is how we obey the truth.  Another word that Ken described is “earnestly” (or “deeply,” in some translations).  This word comes from the Greek word for “catharsis” - purged.  Pure, but cleansed in the most painful way possible.  What keeps you from loving somebody like Jesus loves them?  What keeps you from seeing someone like God sees them?  Whatever it is, get rid of it.  No matter how much you like it, no matter how much it means to you, no matter how much it’ll hurt to let it go.  Get rid of it and start loving people in a real way.


This is my advice to you - not that I am great at it, but that I know how important it is.  You can do it because God made you to do it!  I’ll be praying for you, and I hope you’ll be praying for me too.  Thanks for everything.


-Tara.


Shout-outs.

To Kris, Pat, and Barb - Thank you for everything.

To the AIM Assistants - I miss you all.

To Sarah Beth Hall - I miss you like Bert misses Ernie.  Do you have Skype?

To Matt Hoadley - Have you ever been to Thai Thai?  It's my favorite place to go in the LBK.  Go there for me sometime soon, hey?

To Cassey Clayton - You take beautiful pictures, sister.  I've been praying for you lately.

To Ivankita Chalco - I loved talking to you on the phone the other day.  One day, I'm going to take you to get some ice cream and I'll tell you all about how your sister and I drove along Beach Road singing, "Vamos a la Playa, oh oh oh oh oh!"

To Everybody Else - Have a really wonderful break and consciously enjoy being with the people you are around.  Take too many pictures and laugh too loud and eat just a little too much.  And I will talk to you soon!  Love you guys, and I'm praying for you.

11.04.2008

To a blonde, dorky girl from Oklahoma.

Hey all.

You know, I have always loved writing.  Seems like since I was little, I always loved buying journals and pens and pencils.  I loved the opportunity to sit down, open the notebook, and write anything.  That freedom is priceless to me.  There's just something in me that feels relief when I get all of my feelings out there into words on paper - or on the computer screen.  It's like a purging, in a way.  The most painful type of cleansing.

Which is how I knew I needed to write about the break-in.  But I needed time to get my feet back on the ground and be able to write down what I remember without freaking out - which is why it's taken me so long.

I know you've heard about what happened.  Maybe I've told you things myself.  But it's just time for me to get it all out there, you know?  So just bear with me and hear me out.

In our old house on Clevedon Road, I lived out back in the "grannie flat."  The flat (which had one room and a bathroom) had been used as a storage room for a good while, and it was in need of some serious fixing.  It also wasn't really hooked up to our security system in the house, which means I really should have reconsidered staying out there.  But I really wanted my own room, and I didn't think of the security.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

One night, Sasha and I went to a late yoga class at the gym.  We came home and they were hanging the brand-new curtains in our huge windows in the the living room.  I decided to go to bed a little early, but I asked Tyler to come out before he left so that I could tell him something (I've forgotten now what I was even going to tell him).  It turns out that when he came out there, I was already asleep, so he left.  

A few hours later, a loud noise woke me up, and I thought it might be Tyler trying to come in to talk to me.  I put my glasses on (I'm basically blind without them!) and sat up, but didn't really see anything.  So I laid back down and started to play some music on my computer, which was on my bedside table.  Then I saw something moving outside the window, and when I looked over there I saw two black guys, one was wearing a white bandana.  A few seconds later, they threw a brick in my window, opened the latch, and climbed in.  They made me get out of bed and they were yelling a lot of things.  One of them had a broken bottle and kept acting like he'd hit me with it.  The other told me to go into the bathroom and cover my eyes.  I told them I had money (around R6000, which is about 600 American dollars - I had been saving to help buy our car).  They asked where it was, but I told them I'd get it if they would just leave.  So I got the money, unlocked the door for them, and they left.

I know all of this sounds kind of peaceful on paper, but it wasn't.  I yelled - a lot.  (The police even said they had calls from a few blocks down because they could hear me yelling.)  They yelled - a lot.  They really tore my room up - there was glass everywhere, and all my things were scattered, my bed was a total mess because they'd looked under the mattress.  They went through everything.

I didn't know if they had gotten into the main house yet, or if they were really gone, or if the girls were okay.  When I had seen the guys walking around outside before they broke in, I called Sasha and told her I thought there were two guys outside.  I remember saying, "Just stay with me, Sash, just talk to me."  She could hear me screaming when they broke in, and then they took my cell phone and turned it off.  After they had left, all I wanted was to be inside.  I wanted to be with the girls, safe.  I didn't want to be alone anymore.

So I went to the backdoor and unlocked it and started yelling, "It's just me, it's just me, it's just me" - because I knew they'd be scared it was someone breaking in.  And then Brittney comes out of the door to the hallway and she's carrying a big ax handle (she was going to go outside to help me and she was prepared!).  I ran to her.  When she hugged me, I just started crying.  I have never, never needed to be held so much.  We went into her room, which is where the other girls were waiting.  (They had pushed wardrobes in front of the doors.)  I ran to the bed and we waited - for the police to come, for the security company to come, for Ken and Judy to come.  It seemed like forever that we were there, waiting.  I needed to do something, anything, because all I really wanted to do was scream.  So we got the Bible and I read Philippians 01 out loud.  Everybody came and made sure the place was safe, and I had to give a statement to the police.  We got some clothes for me and went to Ken and Judy's for the rest of the next day.  Momma Judy made us pancakes, I got a hot shower, I called my dad, and we started to think about where to go from there.

So there it is.  I don't mean to scare you, or to make you sad. 
Because look at how things are now.  I am sitting here in my very safe apartment, on my new computer, using the Internet through my cell phone, uploading music to put on my new iPod.  And we have a great car (named Bruce!) in the parking garage.
I have learned many, many things through what happened.  But if there's one thing I've learned, it's this:

God is good.

When those men were about to break into my room, I prayed - "Dear God, give me love and wisdom."  He has done a lot more than that.  He protected me, that night and every moment since then.  He provided.  He has answered that prayer by using others to show me what love and wisdom look like.
I will never understand why God is so good to a blonde, dorky girl from Oklahoma.

I love you, and I'm very thankful for you - for your prayers, for your encouragement, for your consistency and reliability.  Thank you for being here for me, with me, through all of this.

-Tara Ann.



10.31.2008

Hap-hap-happy Halloween.

A short blog, but good news.
I have some Internet on my computer!  Yaaaaay.  
Thanks to Tyler, I am connecting my phone with my computer through Bluetooth.  Which is very good.  So now, hopefully, I'll get the chance to stay connected to you guys better, and to really let you know what's going on here.  And I'm putting more pictures on my Facebook, so if you have me on there, check them out please!  
We have some major catching up to do.
Love you guys.  Miss you.
Happy Halloween!
PS: They don't celebrate Halloween here.  I miss home!

10.21.2008

Computer issue.

So I have a new computer.  Yay!
Thank you to all of the supporters that contributed to this.  You have no idea how amazing it is to have my own computer, with all of my old files (songs, pictures, notes from AIM classes) on it.  Thank you thank you thank you!
But there's a problem.  I don't know how to hook up my phone to work with my computer, so my Internet isn't working yet on my computer.  And I'm not sure how to even go about getting that to start.  Tyler (the resident Mac expert for our team) isn't sure, and Kuda (my South African friend who works with computers) aren't sure how to do it, so I'm pretty much lost.  I thought it would be easy but...it isn't.
So for now, I'll keep borrowing Diana's computer when I can.  She's been so awesome about this, very giving and very willing to share.  That girl keeps me on my toes.
Also, I got my final "birthday box" from home.  My mom and grandparents sent me lots of good things!  Some pajamas (which are now my favorite after last night), some books (which are much-needed, since books here have to be imported and are so expensive), beads and stuff to hand out to people (which will come in handy with the girls at church).  So it was a great, great surprise.  Thank you guys....I'm not sure you'll ever know how much this really means, but thank you.
I have a meeting tomorrow (Wednesday) at noon (5 a.m. your time) with Sherry, a lady from a women's shelter here in PE.  We're going to be talking about what I can do and how I can work there.  So please keep that in your prayers these next few days.

I'm going to go now, but hopefully I'll be back on here soon.  I miss you very much, and love you tremendously.  Please keep me in your prayers.

9.24.2008

Here we come.

I'm leaving in the morning, and I'll be gone for 19 days.
There will be pictures and stories, I promise.
And you will be missed.
Love you guys.
Venda, Swaziland, Lesotho, Joburg, Durban here we come!
God is so good.
-Tara.

9.18.2008

Changes and boxes.

So, we've had a little change in plans.
I'm not working at Van der Kemp Primary anymore.  It's hard to explain the reasons exactly, because they are complicated and confusing even to me.
But basically, my heart wasn't really in that place.  I dreaded going there every Tuesday and Thursday, and I know that's awful.  I hate that I couldn't pull it together and put my everything into that school and those kids.  But I think the work that we did there (and the work that Diana will continue to do there) is worthwhile and good for everybody involved.  And I look forward to going back there and visiting sometimes.  It's just not what I think I should be doing here right now.
Is that wrong?  I struggle with the idea that I'm trying to have a say in where God can and can't use me.  That seems ridiculous and wrong.  He can use me anywhere - am I willing for that to happen?
I talked with Momma Judy a little about it this morning.  She said that God has given each one of us particular spiritual gifts and characteristics, and when we don't use them, we can feel it.  I need to be in a place where I can use the gifts God has given me.
Where that place is - and what those gifts really are - is to be determined.  I'd like to work at a homeless shelter, or an orphanage, or maybe a women's haven type of place.  I'd like to meet people and form close relationships with them, have Bible studies with them, just listen to their stories and be involved in their lives.
Can I do that here?  How do I even begin to accomplish those goals?
We've been here nearly 4 months now, and I feel like I'm just getting started.
In other news, Gibby Gilbert (one of my AIM instructors) sent me a Facebook message yesterday and here's what it said.

Just thought you would be encouraged to know that I read part of your James commentary to the class today as a great example of how to do the assignment properly. It reminded me again of how well you express yourself in writing and I am still encouraging you to write for the benefit of others!

That really helped my heart a lot.  I love writing, and I want to use it somehow in what I'm doing.  If that means keeping a blog to encourage others back home, I'm game.  If that means writing a nice note to a person who is sick or sad, I'm there.  If that means writing a book one day...we'll see.  :)  But it's nice to be complimented on something that you love to do, you know?  So Gibby, if you're reading this, thank you.  It means more than you know.
We leave on our Big Trip a week from now.  I can't remember if I've written about it or not.  But anyway, we're leaving on the 25th and getting back on 15 October.  Yep, that's a long time.  Our team is going with Ken and Judy (and two ladies from Weatherford, TX - they write the Lessons To Live By curriculum) on one huge road trip.  We'll see lots of South Africa, as well as three neighboring countries - Venda, Swaziland, and Lesotho.  It's going to be crazy to be away from our new home for so long, but I know that God is going to show us lots of things on this trip.  Just keep us in your prayers, please.
Okay, one more thing.  I got four packages from home yesterday!  It was so awesome...like Christmas and birthday, all rolled into one lovely afternoon.  Two of the boxes were from my aunt and her church - they did a "donation drive" and collected a whole lot of stuff to send here.  We got lots of blankets and combs, and toiletries, and school supplies...we're not even sure where to begin handing out all of this stuff.  It's amazing.  Thank you so much!  My team and I will let you know how we end up using it all.  Just think - a couple of bars of hotel soap and some toothpaste have come a long way from your hands to my apartment.  And it will go even farther, from my apartment to someone else's hands.  They'll use it and be thankful for it, and that all happened because you let God work through you.  There aren't words to thank you enough.
I also got a box from a lady in the town where my dad grew up.  I know that I've met her, but I can't for the life of me remember who she is exactly.  But you know what's cool?  God used her to cheer me up.  A woman that I barely know cared enough to send a package all the way to South Africa, for me.  How amazing is that?  I had to stop and thank God for people who really care.
And lastly, I got my "birthday box" from my dad.  I can't describe to you how much this box meant.  He sent me an iPod, which is wonderful beyond words.  Since my computer and iPod were stolen, I've been borrowing other people's music to listen to.  It's so nice to finally have my own back.  Music means so much, especially when you're far away from home.  So thanks Dad!  He also sent me a black pillowcase that he sprayed his cologne on...the smell of home.  Pretty sure that pillowcase isn't leaving my bed for a good long time.  He got me a lot of other things too, and I'm so grateful.  It was like being at home again.  Except that I cried.  :)

Love you guys.  Hope to hear from you soon.
-Tara.

9.17.2008

Another brown bag.

Hello again guys.  Hope you've had a great week so far, and that you're learning new things and growing every day.
I have another story to share with you, and it's about one of those moments when I stopped and said, "I am living in South Africa."
Diana and I go out to a primary school (preschool through Grade 07) on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  We work with kids in Grades 06 and 07 - the kids are ages 12-14, some are 15.  Their teacher gave them a spelling test in English - their first language is Afrikaans - and if they got less than half right on the test, they come to us to be tutored.  So basically, we're teaching the worst kids.  Because they are having trouble in school, they act up and get in trouble with the teacher, which makes them not want to learn.  You throw that in with the type of environment they are in, and it is a dangerous combination.  
The school is so broken down.  Most of the windows have been shattered by people breaking in.  Those people take everything that is worth anything - some of the classrooms don't have light bulbs, the bathrooms don't have pipes in them, the metal in the ceiling that holds the tiles in place is gone.  It is so sad that people are desperate enough to break into a school - a place that is purely beneficial for the community and its future - and destroy it.  The school is in such bad shape that it has an effect on the students.  When they do poorly on exams, the government won't give the school money to fix what is broken, which keeps it broken, which keeps the kids doing badly.  It's illogical, it's frustrating, it's real.  And some days, it's hard to be there.
The kids are so interested in Diana and I.  They want to hear us talk, they want to touch our hair and skin, they want us to take their pictures.  They are starving for attention, because they don't get it at home.  We're trying to form bonds and make relationships with these kids - especially the young girls - and I think we're making a lot of progress.
One girl, Allison, had a birthday not too long ago.  So I made her a birthday card and we bought her a little bar of chocolate (it cost less than one American dollar).  The teacher later told us that that was the only thing that Allison got for her birthday.  But here's the cool thing - her grandma's birthday was the next day, and she gave the chocolate to her grandma.  The grandma then shared it with her, and they both got a little chocolate for their birthday.
It meant something so much to both of them, and it cost us less than a dollar.
How often do we share what we have?  How often do we give, even when it means sacrifice?  How often do we see that when we give, God finds a way to return the gift?  Do we remember these things?  Do we do these things instead of just talking about them?  Do we see opportunities to give?
I know that every time I see a cheap piece of candy, I'll remember Allison and how she gave what she had.  I'll remember how easy it is to do something so small.  I'll remember how something so small can mean a whole lot, when you least expect it to.
Hope this has caused you to think some.  Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities to give this week.  Love you guys!  You're still being prayed for.
-Tara.

9.16.2008

Learning how again.

Okay, it's time to be real.
Ever since the break in, I have sat down at this computer, at this website, what feels like a million times.  And nothing ever comes out.
I loved blogging before it happened, but now I'm having trouble and I'm not sure why.  I have plenty of things to say, but they just don't come out right and then I get frustrated.
But I'm going to start trying again.  If it doesn't sound pretty or make sense, you'll have to forgive me.  I'm learning how again.
Thanks for your patience.

My 20th birthday was awesome.  On the 13th, the girls took me on a surprise scavenger hunt - blindfold, crazy hat, and mix tape included - around PE to celebrate my last day as a teenager.  It was incredible, one of the best times I've had here so far.  I love those girls!  On the 14th, the church sang the "Happy Birthday" song to me, which was embarrassing and nice.  Also, I got to request what Momma Judy made for Sunday lunch...I decided on grilled cheese, a veggie tray and dip, my favorite chips here (they are Doritos, in a green bag), and coconut cream pie. 
I don't actually like pie, but don't ask questions.  :)
Our new apartment is really working out well.  It's great to have an ocean view, and a place to call home - a place that we (Lord willing) won't have to move out of in a month.  God, seriously, blows me away.  I can't believe that He is so good to me.
I've started reading this book, Over the Underpass by Mike Yankoski.  It's so, so good.  The author was a student at at Christian college, and one day he decided to give up everything and live as a homeless person for five months.  The book describes the preparation and plans he makes, but that's the basic plot.  He wants to learn what it means to really be content in any situation - even when sleeping on the concrete in the rain.  He wants to learn how to treat people.  He wants to learn, firsthand, how the church treats people.  I think that's very brave.  
Homeless ministry is something I've been thinking about doing for a year now.  AIM opened my eyes to a lot of things, and that was one of them.  Someone once said that people won't really care about God if they don't even have any food in their stomach.  It's hard to understand that God provides things when you don't have a single thing.  So I'd like to feed people - spiritually, but physically too.  Let's start with some soup and bread and get you fed, then let's talk about you and your life.  After I earn the right to talk to you, we can talk about God.
Here's something he writes in the book.

A hungry man can be a fast learner.  When you come to a table with nothing but need, you are grateful for things you might have pushed aside before.  And when you kneel, hungry and broken at His table, you receive a grace from Him you might, at some other time, have completely missed.  You'll know this grace when you take it.  It goes deeper, quicker, and it burns all the way down.

Love you guys.  Don't forget that we're all homeless and broken and hurting and trying, every day.  Let God use you to be that person who helps others!  And let Him have grace towards you.

-Tara.

9.10.2008

Even though it's actually the second Wednesday in September...

Here's my third brown bag.


Hey AIMers and AIM-related persons.  Welcome to the first Wednesday in September.  Can you believe you've been in AIM nearly a month now?  Let me just warn you - time is going to fly this fast for as long as you're in AIM.  So get ready!
I just wanted to share a quick story with you this week, but let me start by saying that our team has changed in some crazy ways since December.  We've lost 3 teammates - two girls, one guy.  When a teammate decides to leave, for whatever reason, it changes things in big ways.  Relationships within the team change and grow, and you adjust - because you have to.  Life changes, and a new normal establishes itself.  It's one of those "sad good" things, you know?  Like graduation or getting a new pair of Converse because your favorite pair have just worn out.  It just has to happen, even though it's sad.
So, needless to say, our team has been through some crazy times.  We've gone up and down, and I can say pretty confidently that I am closer to them now than I ever thought possible.  Sasha and Diana are like the sisters that I never thought I would have.  We live together, we work together, and we grow together every day.  We've had some very scary times together, and some frustrating times together.  But most of all, we've had a lot of crazy times that we will never forget.  Which brings me to the story!
A few weeks ago, we went grocery shopping.  Now, this wasn't just a trip to the store to buy a few things - this was a trip to the store to stock up for our new apartment.  We spent over 125 American dollars on groceries!  On the way back to our flat, we were thinking about how many trips it was going to take us to get all the groceries up...and we knew it would be ridiculous.  Four trips, at least!  Luckily, when we got here, we saw that there was a grocery cart in the parking garage of our apartment building...how convenient!  So we loaded that thing up and pushed it in the building.  But then the craziest thing happened.
Sasha got the grocery cart stuck in the doors of the elevator.
The elevator in this building has a tendency to stop a little too early, so it doesn't line up properly with the floor.  Because of that, we had to actually lift the grocery cart into the elevator - which took a while.  We had a LOT of groceries.  :)
So the doors started to close and Sasha couldn't stop them...and they shut on the cart.  We laughed so much!  I don't remember how we opened them again - I think someone just reached in and pushed a button.  We finally got the cart in there, and made a solemn vow to never have that many groceries again!  Oh, the crazy times we've had in South Africa.
You know, one thing we've always prayed about as a team is to be able to laugh through anything.  I'm a firm believer that you'll be okay if you can just laugh, you know?  Through it all, we've been able to laugh.  I love that God has blessed us with each other, and with these situations that always crack us up.
So this week, notice yourself laughing and be thankful.  Be grateful to God for blessing you with that specific moment of happiness, with that specific person or group of people.  He cares about us being happy.  Isn't that an amazing thought?
We're praying for you guys here, every day.  Hope you had an amazing trip to Mountain View...that one was one of my favorites.  Take care of each other, learn a lot, and keep praying for us too.  We love you!
-Tara

[Shout outs]
To Mr. Kris Smith - Didn't your parents ever tell you that having an injured foot is not a valid reason for making hateful picture comments on Facebook?
To Pat Sheaffer - I'm rereading Luke, and remembering what you taught me.  Thank you.  Know that you made a lasting impression!
To Barb - Do you remember when you drove me home from school one day when I was sick?  I'm not sure if I ever properly said thank you for that.  So, thank you for always going above and beyond.
To Lily - Hey, remember that time you gave me a minor concussion right when we were leaving for our Mountain View trip?  That was fun.  So was when our Hart Area Church group made omelettes for everyone!
To Logan - I'll never be near an ablution block and not think of you.
To Sarah Beth Hall - I saw those crazy pictures.  Looks like someone had a good time at Mountain View!
To Brent - Hello Buddy!
To Thomas - Have you ever heard a song called "Moment of Truth" by a band called FM Static?  I think you would sound nice singing it.  It's way cool.  I'm praying for you today!

8.30.2008

People in 3D.

I got to "talk to" some of my family just a few minutes ago, on Skype.
It was really kind of strange though, because they could see me and hear me, but I couldn't see or hear them.  I could just read what my Dad was typing.  So it was kind of crazy.  But I showed them around our apartment, and I talked to them for a little while.  I wish so badly I could have seen their faces and heard their voices - but one thing at a time, you know?
It's a funny thing, homesickness.  I find myself missing things about people that I didn't know I would miss.  When it's been a while since you've seen someone, it's hard to remember what their nose looks like, or how tall they actually are.  It's hard for me to place certain things about people - their eyes, their hands, their laugh, what it feels like to sit by them on the couch, what it feels like to hug them.  I can remember some things about them, like hair color or their smile or their favorite shirt, but it's hard to make those things come together into a 3D image of who they are.

Sure, I miss Sonic and Dr. Pepper and Wal-Mart and Target and my car.
But I miss being around people in 3D.

Love you guys.  I miss you a lot today.
-Tara.

8.27.2008

Audio reminder from LBK.

Go listen to this.

Man, I need to be a better AIMer.  Being an AIMer isn't everything, but being an AIMer stands for something.  
Willingness.
Compassion.
Flexibility.
Diligence.

God put me in AIM for a reason.  God put me, as an AIMer, in South Africa for a reason.
I have no right to forget that.

-Tara.

8.26.2008

Brownbag Numero Dos.

Hey AIMers, and happy Wednesday.
I'm writing this from our new apartment, which is crazy to me.  I now live with Diana and Sasha, my teammates, in a second-story flat with a beautiful ocean view.  We had to move from our last house (which we shared with two girls from last year's team) because it was in a part of town that wasn't very safe.  In less than a month, we had three cars broken into in front of our house, one attempted break in at the house, and one actual break in at the house.  It was, honestly, one of the craziest months of my life.
It's strange to think that I have packed up all of my stuff and moved three times since being here in South Africa.  When we first got here, we stayed in a big house with the AIMers from the 06 class.  Then we moved into the house in the bad part of town.  And now we live here. Three times we've loaded up our big suitcases, three times we've taken our clothes off of the hangers, three times we've put posters back up on the walls.  I've zipped and unzipped my red suitcase so much that the zipper has broken!  We've gotten to be pro's at packing in a hurry and never looking back.
It takes a toll eventually, you know?  Here we are, in a completely different country, very far from all we've known, and we're trying to set up a home for ourselves.  We get all unpacked and cozy and familiar with the area, and then we move.
It makes me think of Luke 9.57-58.  Jesus is on His way to Jerusalem with his disciples when someone says, "I will follow You wherever You go!"  Jesus answers, "Foxes have dens, and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head."  Lots of questions come to my head when I read this, and most of the time the true answers are not ones I like.  If I'm being honest with myself, could I really say that I'll follow Jesus wherever He goes?  I mean, He says it Himself - He has no place to lay His head.  When He's worn out and exhausted and can't go on any more, He has no place to go.  Do I want to follow someone that closely?  Do I love Him enough to follow Him to that extreme?  To go with Him that far?  To not leave Him and find somewhere else to go?
It's hard.  It really is.  It's hard and exhausting to live from a suitcase, to pack and unpack, to not even have a place in mind when you say you want to go "home."  But Jesus could do it.  He did it.  And He at least deserves for me to give it my best shot.  In the end, it's worth it.  
So I encourage you to be flexible.  You're going to hear that word a lot in AIM - take it to heart.  Be willing to adjust and give a little.  You'll grow from it, I know you will.  I did!  I also encourage you to get ready to be a wanderer.  Get ready to be confused about where your "home" really is.  And get ready to put your heart into a lot of places.  Don't forget - there are good people everywhere.  There is work to be done everywhere.
Thanks for listening.  I hope you guys are having a great week!  Hang in there, and be Jesus.  Don't forget - we pray for you.
-Tara.

[Shout outs]
Sarah Beth Hall - Thanks for drinking that Vanilla Dr. Pepper for me.  Now...have you ever had chili cheese fries?!
Zach Montandon - Remember when we talked on the phone during Christmas break?  Those were the days.  
Kristen Pope - Hello lovely lady!  I am so glad you are in AIM.  I couldn't be prouder of you.
Tony - Man, I miss you.  I wish I could be there to see you and Beth on the big day.  Maybe you could Skype it!
Beth - Seriously, I'm pretty sure the PESA girls screamed when we found out you guys were engaged.  You are going to be the bestest couple ever!  I do your little dance every once in a while, and it makes me laugh.
Ben Walker - Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeeero?
Alicia - Remember that time in Mexico when Brent Pendergraft was sign language-ing something about a butterfly?  That kid is crazy.  But I miss the way you smile.
Josh Tucker - I read your "bad day" note the other day, and it was awesome.  Seriously.  Thank you.
Logan - You left your "100 Best Guitar Solos Ever In The History Of the Whole Entire World and Universe" cd here.  Can I copy it?  Also - I've been praying for you a whole lot lately.
Barb - I remember the first time I ever talked to you.  It was on the phone, and I was calling about how big the mattresses were in the apartments so that I could buy sheets.  Thanks for always being reassuring - from then until now.  You rock.
Pat - I have no bad memories of you.  Thanks for all that you do, and for letting your light shine so brightly.
Kris - We practiced "The Look" the other day, and you should have seen Diana.  You would have been proud. 

8.25.2008

Hoot the horn.

I've been needing to sit down and write an update for a while, but for some reason every time I open this page, nothing comes out.  Let's give it a try.
We have a new apartment.  It's on the second floor of an apartment building that has good security.  The view from the huge windows in our living room (and from the room Sasha and I share) is completely beach.  There aren't any buildings in front of us, so it's an "unobstructed" view of the ocean.  It is, however, pretty loud during the day because there's a major road that runs in front of our building.  The taxis here are nothing like taxis back home - they are fifteen passenger vans that usually have crazy slogans on the side and loud music blaring from the radio.  Whoever rides shotgun usually hangs out the window and yells the destination of the taxi.  They honk (aka "hoot the horn") a lot.  So we're going to have to get used to the traffic sounds.  Also, we're not far from the PE Airport, so we hear the planes leaving.  And there's a bar (Gypsy Jack's) just across the way and I'm pretty sure that they were having karaoke a few nights ago, because the music was loud and weird.
But it's much better than where we were.
Not that where we were was so completely awful - God really provided and blessed us with that place.  For about a month I got to live with 5 other girls who have come to mean more to me than I ever imagined.  Going through a crazy experience can really bring you close together, you know?
Anyway.  We're out of that house and into an apartment.  
I've never been more thankful for a move.
This week should really start our "official" work.  Diana and I are going to a primary school tomorrow and Thursday, soup kitchen on Wednesday morning, team small group and youth events on Friday night.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but the days go by quicker than I'd like to admit.  I'm still searching for ways to plug in, and for the energy to do it, but things are gettting better.
It's so hard.  It really is.  I've learned a lot of things about myself that I don't really like - I have serious pride issues, and a hesitancy when it comes to letting myself really care for people.  Not really sure where those come from, but I'm thankful that I at least know that they exist.  
Better to be painfully aware of your problems than to be oblivious and never grow, you know?
But the point is, I'm trying.  Every day.  


That's really all I know to say for now, so I hope that's okay.
I miss you guys, and I love you.

8.19.2008

My first ever brownbag.

Every Wednesday, AIMers and the AIM staff get together and have lunch.  They read emails that AIMers on the field send in.  It was a really cool thing for me to hear letters from people all over.  It was something I'll always remember.
Needless to say, it's very cool to be able to do this right now.  Surreal, but cool. 
So here's what I sent in.

Hey guys.  
I'm just going to go ahead and say it - I cannot believe that you are here.  Or there.  Or whatever it is!  Because you being there - in AIM, in Lubbock, in the Sunset Church building, in the AIM classroom (which, you should know, will be cold most of the time) - means that I really am here - on my field, in South Africa, in the living room of our house, on this crazy pink leather couch.  It also means that my classmates are out on their fields - on 4 different continents, speaking different languages, meeting new people, having their own challenges and times of growth.  It's hard to accept some of those things.  I miss Lubbock a whole lot, if we're being honest.

My time in Lubbock meant a lot to me.  It was a time of changing, a time of learning, and a time of having a lot of fun with my classmates.  My best advice is to take it one day at a time, take a whole lot of pictures, make memories, and let God grow you.  Time on the field can be very difficult, so take every opportunity to learn and prepare yourself.  And if it ever feels hard, rest assured - you can do it.  You can.  Trust me - but trust God.  He has you there for a reason, so be there.  Be all there.

Alright, now I am done preaching and telling you things that you've already heard.  (By the way, that doesn't make them any less true!)  It's time for a story!  Those were always my favorite thing about brownbags - the stories from AIMers who had been where I was, who made it through, and who were in awesome places doing awesome things.

Not really sure if this counts as an "awesome thing," but it was fun to me!

Carolyne (from the 06 team) had her 21st birthday party last Friday night.  Turning 21 here in South Africa is a big thing - it symbolizes turning into an adult, getting the freedom to come and go as you please.  But one bad thing about becoming an adult - you have to throw your own birthday party!  So as a part of Carolyne's big night, she had some friends come who were ballroom dancers.  (Now, that sounded really cool and fancy to me, but it turns out that they teach dancing in the schools when you're growing up.  So for them, it was just normal!)  They asked for volunteers - about 15 girls went up there (including me and my two teammates!), but only 5 guys.  It was kind of awkward when they asked us to find a partner, but it turned out to be just fine.
Now for the neat part of the story.  There is this guy here named Kuda.  He has lived in both Zimbabwe and South Africa, and he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met.  He asked me to dance, and it turns out he actually knew how to really dance - he taught me how to waltz!  It was so much fun.  I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was just one of those moments where it hit me that while there are lots of bad things in this world - lots of sin, lots of pain, lots of wrong choices - there are also good people everywhere.  Kuda has been a great friend for the short time I've known him; he's been kind, patient, and extremely helpful.  It is amazing to me that I have come 10,000 miles away from home and still found good people.

So if you're frustrated, and missing home, have open eyes and see that there are good people all around.  Put your pride aside and get out there.  There are memories to make and  good news to share.

Know that you are prayed for and loved deeply - even all the way from South Africa!

-Tara.
Philippians 1.9-11

[Shout outs]
Matt Hoadley - Hey friend.  Remember that one time we sat by each other at Camp Adventure?
Ivanka - Your sister is crazy.  She really is.  But we're taking good care of her, and she's giving all of us new hair styles, so everybody is happy!  I hope you're enjoying Lubbock.  We think about you a lot here.
Nate - I miss your hugs.
All Oklahoma AIMers - Hey hey!  I'm from Oklahoma too.  Do you guys miss it yet?  It might be hard to believe, but you might one day.  Even though it's crazy hot!
Matt Baggett - I miss you a whole lot, Maggot-y Baggetty.  You should come visit.
Pamela - Your sister is amazing.  She drove today and nearly killed us, but she's still amazing.  I miss your smile and encouragement.
Carla - Remember our Share the Word class?  I was so nervous!  Good thing I had you there to keep me calm.  :)
Logan - I was just thinking of when we got to the airport, and how after we hugged you said, "Well that was awkward."  It made me laugh a lot.  Also, we're moving in three days, and I am sad to leave your gum behind in the tree.

8.17.2008

Keep them coming.

We have an apartment.
Well, not yet.  We're officially signing the lease tomorrow, and moving out of the Clevedon house very soon - within a week, hopefully. 
God has really answered our prayers - 
but keep them coming, please.  They are still needed.
Prayers for peace of mind, for safe travels for Neysia (check her blog), and safety.
Love you guys.  Thanks for everything.
-Tara.

8.11.2008

Rediscovered love.

We're going to Cape Town tomorrow, for a few days.
It will be really nice to get away from here for a while.
In other news, I have a rediscovered love for the Olympics and black-and-white movies.
Day by day, slowly, one thing before the next.
-Tara.

8.09.2008

Even simple and subconscious

It's not going so well.
Still not really ready to talk about it.  
Well not "it" -
I'm just not ready to talk about everything yet.
Processing, even simple and subconscious processing, takes a while.
-Tara.

8.05.2008

Today, a choice.

I have come to the realization that I can only handle one day at a time.
I have to choose, today, whether or not I will walk with God.  I have to choose, today, whether or not I will let negative thoughts be more powerful than positive ones.  I have to choose, today, whether or not I will be helpful.
And my decision only lasts for one day.  I can't decide for tomorrow, or for yesterday.  Just for today.  I can't handle tomorrow's decision yet, and I have to move on from yesterday's.
It's easier said than done, but it helps to break it down into days.
Maybe that's why Jesus prayed "give us this day our daily bread."
-Tara.

8.02.2008

trust

trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust

Maybe if I type it a few times, it will become easier.
More to come soon.
I love you guys.  Thanks for sticking in there.
Your prayers are needed.
-Tara.

7.24.2008

Both hands open.

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruitpicker who arrived here
after the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger

The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive here on this planet
We're all murders and theives
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled
At doing evil
Equally skilled
At bribing the judges
Equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife

For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even the mother
Look! Your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled
Equally skilled

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again

Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light

I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs
I've done against him

After that He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands are equally skilled
At ruining evil
Equally skilled
At judging the judges
Equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands
Both of His hands are equally skilled
At showing them mercy
Equally skilled
At loving the loveless
Equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands
Both of His hands
-"Equally Skilled" by Jon Foreman.

I really like these words.  They are a good reminder for me.  They remind me that
01. I live in a world that is full of people who do wrong.
02. I am one of those people.
03. There is hope.
04. God is capable of forgiving and giving mercy, justice, and love.
05. God's hands are just as open to me as they are to the rest of the world.
06. I don't deserve those open hands.

7.23.2008

Five to remember.

Here's a "questionnaire" that Kris sent out to past, future, and current AIMers.  He's going to use some of the answers in a presentation at the Tahoe Family Encampment in a few days.
Just thought I would share my answers, because it was pretty thought-provoking for me to answer the questions.  I was reminded of a lot of things - why I originally wanted to come to AIM, why I stayed in AIM, what I'm learning in AIM.
Enjoy.


01. Why did you come to AIM?  I came to AIM to grow closer to God (learn more Bible, become more disciplined) and to learn how to make disciples for Him.  Here's my theory: He deserves as much praise and worship as possible, and I want to do what I can to help make disciples to praise and worship Him.  Also, I was pretty scared of coming to AIM because it was "out of the norm" for me, but I didn't want to NOT come because I was afraid.  What better way to conquer your fear than to face it head on, right?

02. How have you seen God working during your time in AIM?  I have seen others around me grow in huge ways.  I've seen how AIM has effected the AIM Assistants - they have desire to be close to God, and they see people.  They see needs.  And I've seen God at work in me, through His constant providing and patience.  I've seen God use people to bring others to Him.

03. What was the hardest part?  The hardest part was facing things that I didn't even know I was running from.  It was hard to be completely honest with myself and to deal with the things I needed to deal with.  Growth is always the hardest part.

04. What was the most rewarding part?  Persistence.  It was rewarding to "keep on keeping on" in the school work, because I learned so much from my teachers and mentors.  It was rewarding to "keep on keeping on" in relationships - I grew close to people I will always hold close, and I learned a lot in those relationships.

05. Would you encourage anyone else to come to AIM and if so, why?  I would encourage someone else to come to AIM, definitely.  It's a place to grow and to push yourself, to be open and to have fun.  But most of all, it's a place to learn more about the God who created you, a place to get closer to Him one day at a time.  But it's a decision that should be made prayerfully.

7.20.2008

Oats-horn and Bobbie Sue.

Here's an update on what's been happening the past few days.
Thursday, I went to Jeffreys Bay (where we had our retreat about a month ago) with Logan, Neysia, Sasha, and Nyasha.  We got to watch the finals of the Billabong Supertubes Surfing Contest thing...it was awesome!  I've never seen anyone surf like that!  Actually, I've never really seen anyone surf, period - so it was awesome.  Kelly Slater won, and we got to see him in person!  It was way cool.
When Logan pulled up in front of the house to drop us off, Liz and a woman from the church (Celestine) and her children were outside.  Turns out, someone had broken into Celestine's car.
That's two cars in less than a week, both in broad daylight.
Sometimes it's hard to live here, but days like Friday and Saturday make it worthwhile.
We (Diana, Johnathan, Mike, Logan, Anthea, Wendy and I) left Friday to go to Oudtshoorn (said like oats-horn), a town about 4 hours away from PE.  It's the ostrich capital of the world, and it was awesome!  The girls and guys stayed in separate chalets - they were really nice.  Anthea told us that a place like that was normal to stay in.  It had two beds and a couch that had a mattress thing underneath it that pulled out.  We slept very comfortably!  After having breakfast the next morning, we set out for Cango Caves, about 30 minutes away from Oudtshoorn.
I had never been in a cave before.  It was cool!  The girls took the standard tour, where they take you to 5 different chambers in the caves.  It was oddly pretty, and very interesting.  But I felt like I was inhaling carbon dioxide and no oxygen - not the best feeling in the world!  At one point, the guide turned out all the lights so we could see how dark it was in there.  Very cool.
After leaving the caves, we went to the Oudtshoorn Ostrich Farm.  It was ridiculously funny.  We took a tour, and Johnathan and Mike actually got to RIDE an ostrich.  Yeah.  It was crazy.  I got a "neck massage" from the ostriches - the tour guide volunteered me to hold a bucket of feed, with my back to the birds.  Then they came up and ate the food over my shoulders!  They were pecking at it so fast that it did kind of feel like they were "massaging" my neck and shoulders.  But I was too scared to think it felt good!  It was definitely a crazy experience that I can add to my list of Things I Did in Africa.
We got home and pretty much collapsed!  I was so tired, and we had church the next morning.  So bed seemed like the only option that made sense!
Today was difficult though.  It was Logan's last time at church.  I didn't think I would cry, but I did.  It's so weird, you know, because I don't feel like my sadness is really justifiable.  I mean, I only spent about 2 months with the guy - that's nothing compared to how much time he spent with his teammates and the church here.  But I am so proud of him and the work he's done here.  I'm proud that he's my friend and I'm so grateful that we got to know each other better here in South Africa.  When I see Logan with the church members here, it's exactly what I want to be like.  I want my field time to be productive like Logan's was.  I want to learn and grow and make relationships, I want to help and really see people.
So please keep Logan in your prayers as his field time is wrapping up and as he's heading back to the States to start new things in his life.
And Logan, if you're reading this, thanks for everything.  Izzie is really going to miss you, and I think the rest of us might too.  Just don't forget - Bobbie Sue took the money and run.
-Tara.

7.17.2008

Is it me you're looking for?

Here's something that made me laugh a lot today.
Hope you enjoy it too.

7.16.2008

Square One.

Just an update - 
I called the AIDS Haven today and asked if they needed volunteers.  They're full until November.
Square one, here I come again.

7.15.2008

Touch.

I didn't sleep very well last night, but today was a good day.
Our friend Nyasha introduced us to something called The Touch Project.  It's a movement started by a handful of people - mainly 2 girls, Anna and Clair (with no e) - and its main goal is to spread awareness in Port Elizabeth.  Awareness about needs in the community, awareness of opportunities to help, awareness of God and how He works in our lives.  They go out to different organizations - orphanages, care centers, things like that - and find their needs.  Then Clair goes on a Christian radio station here in town and talks about the different places they go to and how others can help.  People do pledges and donate.  Also, they organize a "Day of Kindness" where people go out and volunteer there for a day.  So it's basically just raising awareness about things going on in PE.  Nyasha helps them out, when she's not in school, and she put us in contact with them.  I'm not sure if I'm going to do it every week, but today was cool.
We met the girls at Anna's house, and then went to an AIDS Haven that's about 10 minutes from the Gelvan Park church building.  There, we gave some items that were donated - food, a blanket, and nappies (diapers).  When we pulled up in the parking lot, Clair got a phone call.  We were waiting for her to get off the phone when we saw a group of about 15 little kids, on their way to the preschool they have set up in the compound.  (There are little apartments there for AIDS victims to live in, and there's a big building that has a dining room, a room with a tv, bathrooms, and a kitchen.  It's like a little town within a town.)  At first they were just checking us out, looking us over - and we weren't really sure what to do either.  But one suddenly just started running with his arms open towards us, and Neysia picked him up.  Then they all came.  They wanted to see what we were bringing, and they wanted us to hold them.  I've held little kids before, but none of them have ever held me that tight.  They didn't want to be put down.  Most of them are AIDS orphans - but I got the impression that some of them might be HIV-positive.  We played with them for about 10 minutes, and then got a tour of the facility.
I've never seen people so sick.  We actually didn't get to talk with the people who lived there - just the staff - but as we were walking down the hall, I could see into their rooms.  Most of them were just laying on their beds.  They looked so skinny.  The kids too, all of them were skinny.  But I held two little boys and their stomachs were bloated up and stiff.  I'm not sure if that's a symptom or what, but it was very sad.
This AIDS Haven - I think it's called the House of Resurrection - takes really good care of these people.  They have nurses and staff that know what they're doing.  The kids were just like any other kids.  They pushed each other, ran a lot, laughed and smiled.  Just like normal kids.
Only they've been affected by a disease they're too young to understand.
The woman who gave us the tour seemed to be the head of the operation.  She's only been there for 7 years, but she knows what she's doing.  She told us that the percentage of people with AIDS in Port Elizabeth has gone up significantly in the past two years - it's now at 35%.  And those are only the people who know they have AIDS, and who've admitted they have AIDS.  It's understood that there are more.
I would really like to volunteer there.  It's very sanitary, and they know how to handle HIV and AIDS.  I'm not sure if they need volunteers, but I'm going to contact them tomorrow hopefully and see what kind of information I can get.
Those kids...man.  I can't get them out of my head.  They held on so tight.  But you know, it's not just the kids.  The woman we talked to said that everybody is moved and affected by the kids.
The adults deserve just as much time and energy given to them.  It takes one choice to have your life be affected forever.  It takes a lack of knowledge for your world to be upside down.
And it takes one person at a time to spread knowledge, love, and care.
For more information about The Touch Project, go here.
-Tara.

7.14.2008

Black out.

We're experiencing our first South African blackout.
This morning, right before I was going to shower, Neysia told me that we were out of electricity.  Here, you prepay for electricity by taking a card that is in your electric box (ours is in a cabinet in the kitchen) and having it reloaded.  The electricity comes in units, and when you get home you just put some numbers in on the box and then a few seconds later, you have electricity.
I only know this because we ran out once before.
Here was the main problem this morning - we didn't have electricity, so we thought our garage doors wouldn't open.  Which means we couldn't get our car out.  Which means we would have to walk to the petrol station (the gas station - where we buy electricity).  Neysia and Sasha ended up going, and they were back within 30 minutes.  The man at the petrol station said that Mount Croix (our district) was having a blackout.
We heard about these blackouts before we came - that they happened, that they could be pretty irregular, that it was hard to know how long it would last.  But we haven't experienced one until now.
It's really not that bad, because it's light outside.  Neysia and Sasha got the garage door open after they came back (as luck would have it), so we're free to leave if we don't want to be here.  My laptop still has charge, and my cell phone too - though it will probably die in an hour or so.  We just don't have tv (we've only been watching movies on it anyway - our DSTV isn't hooked up yet) or anything like that.  But so far, it's been okay.
In other news, Aberdeen's (a wooden furniture place) delivered by wardrobe today.  I don't know how they made it up our front steps and around all the corners in our house, but they did.  Good thing they are professionals.  My clothes are FINALLY hung up - no more suitcase, no more bookshelf (which is what they were crammed into before).  It looks nice in my room, I'll have to take a picture.  And the wood smell is nice.
The power just came back on.  Looks like that one lasted about 2.5 hours.  Not bad, not bad.
Oh, life.
-Tara.

7.12.2008

The initial.

Our car got broken into this morning.
We had some girls over (from the youth group at Gelvan Park, where we worship) for breakfast, so Diana went to pick them up.  They got here at around 10.10 or so, and about 15 minutes later Diana heard the car alarm go off, but she thought she had accidentally set it off, so she just silenced it without really looking at the car.  But then about 10 minutes later, a man rang our doorbell and told us that he was part of the neighborhood watch group and that our car window was smashed.  We went to check it out and, sure enough, it was smashed.  And Diana's cell phone was taken.  But everything else - the papers, the radio, the R70 that was on the floor of the passenger side - was there.  So we taped black trash bags over the window (it had started to rain), and called the insurance company and the police.  The police told us that we needed to come to the station within 24 hours (which we did, and gave a statement and got a case number - I don't think it'll really go anywhere), the insurance said they'd call us back.  Usually in South African business (or at least from what I've observed), "I'll call you back" means "call me back later."  So that's frustrating.  But I don't think our insurance covers stuff like this on our car anyway - I think it just covers the third party.  Nice.
But we did manage to get the window replaced quickly - God has good timing, and He is good to us.  It was R900 for the window and the labor, which is around $140 American dollars.  Not bad, I think.  Especially because it was fast.
But it's just been frustrating.  Lots of things have happened today, have piled up today, and that can be very wearing on a girl's nerves, you know?
For those of you concerned about my physical safety, please transfer that energy into prayer.  We don't live in a bad part of town - it's just an older part, a busy part, a more rundown part.  We live closer to the bad parts of town than we were in Summerstrand, but it's nothing to be really concerned about.  If Ken and Judy thought it wasn't safe, we wouldn't have ever thought about living here.  And my room is safe - it has two locks and it's part of the security system.  I haven't felt really unsafe or threatened, but I do have to keep my eyes open and I have to be aware.  And honestly, I'm just not used to that.  I took advantage of security and safety in the States, and I wasn't even aware of the fact that I didn't have to be aware.  So constantly having to keep my eyes open is exhausting.  But I'll get used to it, I know it.
Just don't worry about me.  Once I get curtains up in my room, I will feel a lot better.  
It's just the initial getting used to here, you know?
Prayers and encouragement deeply appreciated.
-Tara.

7.10.2008

Two things.

I'm kind of down, if we're being honest.
There's just a lot going on here now, and I have a lot of goals for myself that I'm having trouble meeting.  But it's not like they're all really important goals - some of them are just daily goals, simple goals, which makes it even worse when I don't meet them.  I might be too hard on myself right now, it's hard to tell.
Please don't worry though, okay?  This is why I haven't written in a while - I didn't want to put anything too negative on here because I was too afraid to make you worry.  Don't worry and don't think that it's like this all of the time, because it's not.  There are really wonderful days, really awesome moments, sometimes long strings of them together.  But then there are those down times, you know?  It's just life - but amplified, since I'm here, doing what I'm doing, exposed to people both here and continents away.  I believe that when you live this kind of life, you don't have the luxury of having secrets.  It's just out there.
So that being said, I've been having trouble.  We've been setting up things at our new house, but I'm tired of running errands for myself.  I want so badly to get started in what I intended to do here - going places, meeting needs, working, loving people, serving.  I know, I know, I can do that anywhere, anytime, any way - but I'm ready to step out of the "normal, every day" life that I've spent the last month setting up for myself, and I'm ready to step into places with needs.  
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I was scared.  We had a hard time getting our outside gate closed (the one that goes from the street to the driveway), because it was broken, and that made me feel really unsafe - especially out in my room, alone.  And on top of that, it was thundering and raining hard, and the wind was strong.  When the wind blows - even just a little - the branches over the "barbeque" area (between my flat and the house) scrape and blow against my walls, and it makes a noise that is, well, not pleasant.  Also, the walls in my room are cement, the floor is ceramic tile, and it's been in the 40s and 50s (Fahrenheit) here at night - so it's very, very cold.
Needless to say, I had a hard time getting to sleep.  I was scared, cold, and alone.  I put on a movie to drown out the scratchy noises and to take my mind off the broken gate, and I eventually fell asleep.
But not before I prayed.
Let me tell you how I feel about prayer now.  You can agree or disagree, and that's okay.  If you feel we need to talk about it, that's okay too.  But here it is.
I feel like I spent most of my life trying to sugar-coat things for God.  When I prayed to Him, I would only give him the "nice" version of the story, or the shortened version, or the easy version.  Not the whole version.  It's like I turned my life into a corny made-for-TV movie for the only one who really saw the whole unedited, uncut version.  I don't know why I did that, but the reasons don't really matter now.
I don't want to sugar-coat things with God.  I don't want to try to put my life into a neat box for Him - He knows what a mess it is.  That's why grace is such a humbling concept.
But I realized sometime in this past year that I wasn't telling God the truth.  I wasn't "flat-out" lying to Him, but I also wasn't telling Him the whole story.  I was drawing lines, building walls, putting up signs, saying He was and wasn't allowed access to certain places in my life.
That's no way to treat the one who created me.
Now I do my best to tell God the truth, all of it.  If my eyes and brain and heart and thoughts and all of my senses are cameras that take footage, I have to believe that God deserves to see the real, raw, uncut and unedited footage that they take in everyday.  God deserves it.
I just wanted to share that with you.  If you disagree, it's okay.  If you agree, thank you for your support.  If you struggle with it, I understand.  It's hard.  Keep contending.
Either way, I hope I said something that will help.
So last night, when I prayed, I told Him that I was really scared and that I was having trouble trusting Him.
It really is better to live life without secrets.
-Tara.
Two things You told me - that You love me, and that You are strong.  (Jon Foreman)