You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You, 

for it is trusting in You.

-Isaiah 26.3

A better day today, although it was spent almost entirely in solitude.  Maybe because it was spent almost entirely in solitude?

There's a time.

It's a funny thing, irritation.

What's the line between irritation and anger?  When does frustration turn into wrath?  How do anger and wrath look different, and are irritation and frustration the same thing?

I'm just thinking all of these things because I was irritated, or frustrated, or whatever, just now.

And really, what a weird feeling.  That instantaneous, gut-clinching, wall-building, fist-raising feeling of "are you SERIOUS?"  I hate that feeling.

Which is why I'm trying to second-guess it, you know?  Decide if it's really worthwhile or not.

Because - as we all know - there is such a thing as anger that exists for stupid reasons.

It's hard to be frustrated and have to consciously decide, "I will let this go.  I will unclench the knots in my stomach.  I will not raise my voice, fist, or walls around my heart.  I will let it go, because chances are, it's not a big deal anyway."

There is a time to fight, and a time to just drop it.

In other news, I'm reading this book, Shantaram (by Gregory David Roberts).  I am pretty sure that it was written as a memoir, a true story about something that the author actually did.  He tells about how he was in prison in Australia - sentenced to twenty years because of armed robberies - and how he escaped over the front wall of the prison.  He went, as a fugitive, to Bombay, India.  I haven't gotten far enough in the book to know how long he stays there or what exactly happens, but I've read enough to know that he gets involved with the Bombay mafia, as a street fighter.  I'm going to put the first few sentences here, just to give you a feel for the book.

It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured.  I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them.  It doesn't sound like much, I know.  But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility.  And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.  

In my case, it's a long story, and a crowded one.  I was a revolutionary who lost his ideals in heroin, a philosopher who lost his integrity in crime, and a poet who lost his soul in a maximum-security prison...

This book, I'm telling you, is so good.  I wish I could write like he does, explain and describe like he does.  Part of me wishes I could go on adventures like he does, but the other part knows that I am just as content to sit here on my bed and read about them.

So I encourage you to go out and find a copy of this book, and read it.  Take it for what it's worth, but read it and soak it in.  We can learn a lot from what others go through.

That's all for today.  It's very humid and I'm thirsty.

Love you guys.

-Tara.

It's different.

It's hot here.

It's 16 December and it's hot.

And there's a beach outside my window.

And all the cars are driving on the other side of the road.

And there are no green dollar bills in my wallet.

And I live in a flat.

And I have roommates.

And I have to dial a lot of numbers to talk to my family.

And all the electrical sockets look weird.

And I talk differently than everybody on the outside.

...And did I mention it was hot?

That it was hot in December?

So I'm missing home a lot.  I think this feeling started back in October, because October starts my favorite time of the year.  Fall, football season, cooler weather, leaves, scarves, hot drinks, grey skies, holidays.

At least, that's what it's like back "home."

It's different here in the RSA.  A lot different.

I am learning so much.  Different isn't bad, it's just...different.  It is what it is.  I wanted to experience a new place, and I am experiencing it to its fullest - in all its difference.

It's hard, it hurts, and I miss you guys.

I love the packages and letters and cards that you send.  They give me the strangest feelings - joy at hearing from you, hurt that I can't be with you, determination to finish this thing, sadness because I miss you more than I thought possible.

Since we're telling the truth here, I should say that sometimes when I open the packages, I go through them and then I have to put the stuff away for a while, just because it makes me so sad.  But don't worry - a few days later, I always come back to it and appreciate it even more.

Adjusting, learning, trying, seeking, working, missing, deciding, doing, breathing - living.

Love you guys.  I'm going to try to get back into the swing of writing in here, so expect more of these, okay?

-Tara.

Brrrrrrrown Baaaaaag.

Hey hey, you guys!  How are things going there?  I hear it's cold and windy and snowy.  No lie, I'm pretty jealous.  Enjoy it, be happy for it, take lots of pictures in it - because when you celebrate Christmas next year, you may be in a place where it is completely different.

For this brown bag letter, I'd like to tell you about the place where I'm working.  It's called the House of Resurrection, and it's an AIDS Haven.  It's like a nursing home, except it's for people who have AIDS.  The patients live there, sleep there, eat there, everything.  I just started working at The Haven about a month ago, so I'm still learning the ins and outs of the place, but I've really enjoyed my work so far. They have about 10 or 15 adults that live there, and a lot of children - all under the age of 12, I would guess.  Some of the kids are really very sick, and the secretary said the reason they don't have older kids is because they just simply don't live that long.  What a huge reminder that life is not to be wasted.

I've been working in the nursery with the babies, which is both challenging and fun.  There are 2 girls and 5 boys that stay in the nursery, and they are all at different levels of health.  The Haven is for children and adults who have gone into the hospital because they've gotten sick and are HIV-positive, but they can't take care of themselves.  Some of the babies and the kids are AIDS orphans, but most (if not all) of them are HIV-positive.  There's one baby boy who is a year and a half old, and he just came in a few weeks ago.  His forearm is the width of my thumb - he's very sick.  Everytime I see him, I think of how fragile life is, and how dangerous the consequences of our actions can be.  Amazing how little Lusipho can make me think twice about how I affect people.  He won't even remember me.

I have learned a lot from working at The Haven.  I think the first thing I learned there is that kids are kids, no matter where they are, no matter how sick they are.  Babies cry for the same reasons all over the world.  Kids steal toys from each other no matter what they're playing with, and they'll always find a way to entertain themselves.  It's amazing, and I just know that God created them to be that way.  The second thing I learned is that people in this world need a lot of love, and to stop giving is not an option.  For example, my second day of working in the nursery, the head nurse left me alone with the seven babies.  ("Babies" meaning anywhere from a year to three years old.)  They were hungry and cranky and their Barney tape was over, and I had no clue what to do.  Three of them were crying, one was holding onto my leg for dear life, two needed to be changed, and the other one was somehow sleeping through it all.  They each needed attention in a different way, but I couldn't give them everything they needed at once.  What I wanted to do was sit down and relax for a second, but there was no way I could do that to them.  They needed things!  So what did I do?  Loaded up as many as I could in my arms (and the one on my leg!) and went down the hall to get help.

Working at The Haven has taught me a lot about God.  He is so huge, so infinite, that He can give each of us exactly what we need without thinking twice.  He doesn't have to think about which one of us comes before the other - our needs all matter.  Our needs are all the same.  My needs are the same as the needs of the people who stay at The Haven.  Your needs are the same as the needs of the person next to you.  They all matter equally to God.  He loves us all equally.  He chose us, He wants us.  He wants to take care of our needs.  Do we let Him?

How often do we grab onto Him, hang onto His hand for dear life?

Some days at The Haven are very difficult.  To tell you otherwise would be lying.  But that's how it goes in ministry, especially when you work with people who are very broken and very sick.  I'm thankful beyond words for the opportunity that God has given me to work at the AIDS Haven, and I'm thankful that He has the wisdom and amazing sense of timing to use others to teach me what I can't seem to teach myself.

May God use someone to teach you big lessons this week.  Please don't stress out too much while they form the teams - it really will be okay.  That I can promise you.  God is going to take care of everything.  He's got this one.

I love you guys, and I am praying for you from PE.

-Tara.

[Shout outs.]

To Cassey - I saw some of your videos on Facebook.  You are cray-cray!  And...I'm still praying.  If you need to talk, you know where I am.  PS: I would have been totally stoked about the concert too.  :)

To SBH - I really like that Sandi Thom song.  Like, really!  We've been listening to it every morning.  And getting it stuck in our heads...every morning.  Thank you!  I'm glad it makes you think of me.

To Jedda - I really like your name.  Let's talk sometime, hey?

To Rachel - I miss you and your smile.

To Sommer - Let's go camping sometime!  Like in GV!  I'll bring the chocolate and you bring the marshmallows.  Whaddaya say?

To Kristen Pope - Remember during Camp Adventure when I was trying to do our devo at night and I kept getting text messages from a certain boy?  Oh good grief!  Haha, what a time.

To Matt Hoadley - I'm still waiting on Skype!  Where you be?

To Lily - If I were there in Lubbs, I would snuggle with you.  You can be my mom anytime.  ;)

To Patty-Pat-Pat, Ralph, and Sunshine Barb - I love you guys, and I'm so glad you went to Italy.  I hope you ate lots of good food and had a great time.  Feel like taking a little road trip down to the RSA?  I miss you over here.  (PS: Kris, I still can't remember which one you are and which one I am!  Oh I have issues.)

To all the rest - Hang in there, have a great week, and read 2 Thessalonians 3.1-5.  It really helped me out.  Stay strong, stay in the Word, and take care of each other.