1.30.2009

Two adjectives.

It is enough for a disciple to become like his teacher and a slave like his master.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

I have been thinking a lot lately about the ideas of those adjectives - enough, sufficient.  They are big ideas, huge concepts.  This world is so full of people searching for completion in some form.  We are all searching for more.  More money.  More shoes.  More food.  More CDs.  More clothes.  More beauty.  And, closer to home - 

More control.
More peace.
More happiness.
More love.
More acceptance.

If you stop and think for a second about why you do the things you do, you'll probably find that it's because you're looking for more.  That's what I find, anyway.  It's not entirely a bad thing, you know?  I believe that we were made to search, made to look, made to seek things that are bigger than what we are.  God made us to look for things.  We are small, and there are so many wonderfully gigantic ideas out there that are worthy of thought and application in our lives.  We have to look for these things and get beyond ourselves.
But there are things that are enough.  There are things that are sufficient for us.  Things that we can think on and say, "That is it.  That is all I need.  That is enough."  Our problem is when we forget what these things are, forget that other people need to know about them, forget that looking anywhere else will only make us feel incomplete.
It is enough for us to be like Jesus.  It is enough for God to be gracious to us.  It is enough to be loved by God.  It is enough to be cared for, protected, cradled by God.  It is sufficient that God wants our everything.  It is sufficient that God will fight for us.  It is sufficient that Jesus died once.  It is sufficient that we have salvation.  
It is enough, it is enough, it is enough.
And it is sufficient.
The preacher at Pickering Street church of Christ here in Port Elizabeth said this not too long ago, and it stuck.  "Give God your poverty, the very weakness of your life.  Sometimes we think we have to give God a show of strength, but He WANTS to work in a life that is totally emptied, totally dependent."
I want to give God my everything, all my life long, and I want Him to work in my weakness.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to collapse in God's arms and say, "I am exhausted.  And you were right all along - You were enough.  You are sufficient.  And I love you."

This is just some of my heart.  I hope you can identify with it, find some comfort in it.
I love you guys.  I miss you.
-Tara.
 

1.28.2009

Oh that Sylvia Plath.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart - I am.  I am.  I am."
-Sylvia Plath.

You know, Sylvia Plath may have been one really messed-up lady, but I think she struck truth with this one.
Sometimes life gets so messy.  Things get so jumbled up, and confused, and painful.  Life is never black and white anymore.  It's technicolor - which means it's both beautiful and complicated.
Sometimes I need to just sit in the closet without the light on, and I need to breathe.  I need to know that my lungs are still functioning and my heart is still beating - because most days, strangely enough, I don't notice them.  I need to settle my thoughts back down and realize what a beautiful thing it is to just be.  I am, I am, I am.  Here, right now, this is me breathing and beating and living.
Even if I can't manage to do anything else right - or anything else, period - I have that knowledge that if I'm still functioning and capable of conscious thought, then there must be a reason.  Somewhere, there's a reason.  There always is.
Oh, that Sylvia Plath.
-Tara.

1.24.2009

Here's to everything.

It has been a while.
One day, I'll be really good at blogging.  One day, the entries will be numerous, consistent, truthful, inspiring.  One day, I'll figure out the right balance between telling too much and telling enough.  One day, I'll know how to write to keep them coming back for more.
But that day, unfortunately, is not today.
I've actually been avoiding a new entry.  I've tried to write, believe me, but it just didn't feel like it was coming out right.  So after a bazillion tries, I decided to just wait until it came out properly.
It's just frustrating, you know?  I liked doing this, once upon a time.  I was good at it once, or at least bearable.  But then, I don't know, the break-in happened, culture shock happened, confusion about life in general happened.  And I wasn't sure how to convey all of that in a proper, easy-and-fun-to-read way.  So I just didn't.
But here's to second/third/twelfth chances.  Here's to renewing commitment.  Here's to no judgment.  Here's to truth, here's to writing, here's to having a place to go.  Here's to love, here's to peace (inner and outer), here's to cold showers on hot days.  Here's to traveling, here's to pictures, here's to Converse and new pens.  Here's to starting over.
Here's to you.
Talk to you soon.
-Tara

But godliness with contentment is a great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with these.
- 1 Timothy 6.6-8