There's a time.

It's a funny thing, irritation.

What's the line between irritation and anger?  When does frustration turn into wrath?  How do anger and wrath look different, and are irritation and frustration the same thing?

I'm just thinking all of these things because I was irritated, or frustrated, or whatever, just now.

And really, what a weird feeling.  That instantaneous, gut-clinching, wall-building, fist-raising feeling of "are you SERIOUS?"  I hate that feeling.

Which is why I'm trying to second-guess it, you know?  Decide if it's really worthwhile or not.

Because - as we all know - there is such a thing as anger that exists for stupid reasons.

It's hard to be frustrated and have to consciously decide, "I will let this go.  I will unclench the knots in my stomach.  I will not raise my voice, fist, or walls around my heart.  I will let it go, because chances are, it's not a big deal anyway."

There is a time to fight, and a time to just drop it.

In other news, I'm reading this book, Shantaram (by Gregory David Roberts).  I am pretty sure that it was written as a memoir, a true story about something that the author actually did.  He tells about how he was in prison in Australia - sentenced to twenty years because of armed robberies - and how he escaped over the front wall of the prison.  He went, as a fugitive, to Bombay, India.  I haven't gotten far enough in the book to know how long he stays there or what exactly happens, but I've read enough to know that he gets involved with the Bombay mafia, as a street fighter.  I'm going to put the first few sentences here, just to give you a feel for the book.

It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured.  I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them.  It doesn't sound like much, I know.  But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility.  And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.  

In my case, it's a long story, and a crowded one.  I was a revolutionary who lost his ideals in heroin, a philosopher who lost his integrity in crime, and a poet who lost his soul in a maximum-security prison...

This book, I'm telling you, is so good.  I wish I could write like he does, explain and describe like he does.  Part of me wishes I could go on adventures like he does, but the other part knows that I am just as content to sit here on my bed and read about them.

So I encourage you to go out and find a copy of this book, and read it.  Take it for what it's worth, but read it and soak it in.  We can learn a lot from what others go through.

That's all for today.  It's very humid and I'm thirsty.

Love you guys.

-Tara.

It's different.

It's hot here.

It's 16 December and it's hot.

And there's a beach outside my window.

And all the cars are driving on the other side of the road.

And there are no green dollar bills in my wallet.

And I live in a flat.

And I have roommates.

And I have to dial a lot of numbers to talk to my family.

And all the electrical sockets look weird.

And I talk differently than everybody on the outside.

...And did I mention it was hot?

That it was hot in December?

So I'm missing home a lot.  I think this feeling started back in October, because October starts my favorite time of the year.  Fall, football season, cooler weather, leaves, scarves, hot drinks, grey skies, holidays.

At least, that's what it's like back "home."

It's different here in the RSA.  A lot different.

I am learning so much.  Different isn't bad, it's just...different.  It is what it is.  I wanted to experience a new place, and I am experiencing it to its fullest - in all its difference.

It's hard, it hurts, and I miss you guys.

I love the packages and letters and cards that you send.  They give me the strangest feelings - joy at hearing from you, hurt that I can't be with you, determination to finish this thing, sadness because I miss you more than I thought possible.

Since we're telling the truth here, I should say that sometimes when I open the packages, I go through them and then I have to put the stuff away for a while, just because it makes me so sad.  But don't worry - a few days later, I always come back to it and appreciate it even more.

Adjusting, learning, trying, seeking, working, missing, deciding, doing, breathing - living.

Love you guys.  I'm going to try to get back into the swing of writing in here, so expect more of these, okay?

-Tara.

Brrrrrrrown Baaaaaag.

Hey hey, you guys!  How are things going there?  I hear it's cold and windy and snowy.  No lie, I'm pretty jealous.  Enjoy it, be happy for it, take lots of pictures in it - because when you celebrate Christmas next year, you may be in a place where it is completely different.

For this brown bag letter, I'd like to tell you about the place where I'm working.  It's called the House of Resurrection, and it's an AIDS Haven.  It's like a nursing home, except it's for people who have AIDS.  The patients live there, sleep there, eat there, everything.  I just started working at The Haven about a month ago, so I'm still learning the ins and outs of the place, but I've really enjoyed my work so far. They have about 10 or 15 adults that live there, and a lot of children - all under the age of 12, I would guess.  Some of the kids are really very sick, and the secretary said the reason they don't have older kids is because they just simply don't live that long.  What a huge reminder that life is not to be wasted.

I've been working in the nursery with the babies, which is both challenging and fun.  There are 2 girls and 5 boys that stay in the nursery, and they are all at different levels of health.  The Haven is for children and adults who have gone into the hospital because they've gotten sick and are HIV-positive, but they can't take care of themselves.  Some of the babies and the kids are AIDS orphans, but most (if not all) of them are HIV-positive.  There's one baby boy who is a year and a half old, and he just came in a few weeks ago.  His forearm is the width of my thumb - he's very sick.  Everytime I see him, I think of how fragile life is, and how dangerous the consequences of our actions can be.  Amazing how little Lusipho can make me think twice about how I affect people.  He won't even remember me.

I have learned a lot from working at The Haven.  I think the first thing I learned there is that kids are kids, no matter where they are, no matter how sick they are.  Babies cry for the same reasons all over the world.  Kids steal toys from each other no matter what they're playing with, and they'll always find a way to entertain themselves.  It's amazing, and I just know that God created them to be that way.  The second thing I learned is that people in this world need a lot of love, and to stop giving is not an option.  For example, my second day of working in the nursery, the head nurse left me alone with the seven babies.  ("Babies" meaning anywhere from a year to three years old.)  They were hungry and cranky and their Barney tape was over, and I had no clue what to do.  Three of them were crying, one was holding onto my leg for dear life, two needed to be changed, and the other one was somehow sleeping through it all.  They each needed attention in a different way, but I couldn't give them everything they needed at once.  What I wanted to do was sit down and relax for a second, but there was no way I could do that to them.  They needed things!  So what did I do?  Loaded up as many as I could in my arms (and the one on my leg!) and went down the hall to get help.

Working at The Haven has taught me a lot about God.  He is so huge, so infinite, that He can give each of us exactly what we need without thinking twice.  He doesn't have to think about which one of us comes before the other - our needs all matter.  Our needs are all the same.  My needs are the same as the needs of the people who stay at The Haven.  Your needs are the same as the needs of the person next to you.  They all matter equally to God.  He loves us all equally.  He chose us, He wants us.  He wants to take care of our needs.  Do we let Him?

How often do we grab onto Him, hang onto His hand for dear life?

Some days at The Haven are very difficult.  To tell you otherwise would be lying.  But that's how it goes in ministry, especially when you work with people who are very broken and very sick.  I'm thankful beyond words for the opportunity that God has given me to work at the AIDS Haven, and I'm thankful that He has the wisdom and amazing sense of timing to use others to teach me what I can't seem to teach myself.

May God use someone to teach you big lessons this week.  Please don't stress out too much while they form the teams - it really will be okay.  That I can promise you.  God is going to take care of everything.  He's got this one.

I love you guys, and I am praying for you from PE.

-Tara.

[Shout outs.]

To Cassey - I saw some of your videos on Facebook.  You are cray-cray!  And...I'm still praying.  If you need to talk, you know where I am.  PS: I would have been totally stoked about the concert too.  :)

To SBH - I really like that Sandi Thom song.  Like, really!  We've been listening to it every morning.  And getting it stuck in our heads...every morning.  Thank you!  I'm glad it makes you think of me.

To Jedda - I really like your name.  Let's talk sometime, hey?

To Rachel - I miss you and your smile.

To Sommer - Let's go camping sometime!  Like in GV!  I'll bring the chocolate and you bring the marshmallows.  Whaddaya say?

To Kristen Pope - Remember during Camp Adventure when I was trying to do our devo at night and I kept getting text messages from a certain boy?  Oh good grief!  Haha, what a time.

To Matt Hoadley - I'm still waiting on Skype!  Where you be?

To Lily - If I were there in Lubbs, I would snuggle with you.  You can be my mom anytime.  ;)

To Patty-Pat-Pat, Ralph, and Sunshine Barb - I love you guys, and I'm so glad you went to Italy.  I hope you ate lots of good food and had a great time.  Feel like taking a little road trip down to the RSA?  I miss you over here.  (PS: Kris, I still can't remember which one you are and which one I am!  Oh I have issues.)

To all the rest - Hang in there, have a great week, and read 2 Thessalonians 3.1-5.  It really helped me out.  Stay strong, stay in the Word, and take care of each other.

Brown bag again.

Hey guys!  Man, I am sorry I haven’t written in so long.  I wish I had a really good excuse, like - “We lost power every Tuesday for the last three months!” or “I let a local friend borrow my computer and I just now got it back!”  I don’t have an excuse like that, but in all fairness, my computer was stolen and we did go on a three-week road trip across South Africa.  So life has been kind of crazy.

But to be honest, the main reason I haven’t written is that I’ve had a real problem with knowing what to write.  I think back on my Wednesdays in Lubbock and I remember loving them - brownbags were, to me, really cool and encouraging.  I loved hearing the awesome stories from far away, and knowing that there were people just like me out there who thought that this was all worth it...that was (and is) priceless to me.  

So when it came MY turn to write YOU letters, I wanted them to be a lot of things.  Fun.  Encouraging.  Wise.  But more than anything, I wanted them to be real.  I wanted you to see that there is a real world out there, and there is real work to be done, and that you really can do it.  I wanted to be real and truthful with you, and never cover anything up.  I wanted to be honest, and share with you what was going on in my life in South Africa.

You’d think it’d be easy to be honest, you know?  But I sat down at the computer on a lot of Tuesdays, just tapping my fingers and waiting for the words to come.  When those guys broke into my flat and took everything I had that was worth anything, I didn’t know what to say to you.  How could I tell you that it was all worth it, when I wasn’t sure then that it was?  How could I tell you that I knew God was really providing for me and protecting me, when I was scared to be anywhere alone?  It was a hard time.  I feel like I’m just now getting my feet back under me.

But looking back, I have seen God provide in bigger ways than I thought possible.  I knew from the start of AIM that God blessed me with great supporters, but they have really gone above and beyond in these last few months.  My home congregation, in Duncan, OK (woot woot!), agreed to help me replace everything that was stolen back in the end of July.  Since then, I’ve been able to get a new cell phone and help pay for my part of our car (a 1995 white Opel Astra.  We like to call him “Little Brucey.”)  And I was able to get a new laptop.  God is so very good to me - but shame on me for taking so long to see it.

Now, all of that to say this: I would really like to start writing you guys more.  I feel almost like I’m asking permission, which I know I don’t have to do, but I am very sorry that I’ve neglected to do for you what was so important to me.  Thank you for your Reply Sheet Thingies - they really are very encouraging.  Some of the things you wrote really made me laugh...you’re crazy!  Keep them coming, okay?

I just wanted to share with you something that I learned from Ken (one half of the Kendall-Ball Coordinating Team!) a couple of weeks ago, when he was teaching a class at church.  He was talking about the first chapter of 1 Peter.  There’s some really great stuff in there, but what he said about verse 22 has really helped me these last few days.  I’m going to put the verse right here (HCSB, anyone?) so we don’t waste any time.

“By obedience to the truth, having purified yourselves for sincere love of the brothers, love one another earnestly from a pure heart...”

There are a whole lot of things we could talk about in this verse, but let’s think about the ways this verse says we are supposed to love.  Sincerely.  Earnestly.  From a pure heart.  Ken did his homework on this one and gave us some really great cultural references.  The word “sincere” comes from the time when artists would make statues out of marble.  If they slipped and took a chunk out of what they were working on, they would fill it with wax.  It would LOOK whole and complete, but it wasn’t purely marble anymore.  It wasn’t whole.  It would melt under the sun, and expose its true self.  “Sincere” means “without wax.”  Love each other without wax. Be honest, be true with each other.  If you make a mistake, be real about it - and start over.  This is our job as brothers and sisters.  This is how we obey the truth.  Another word that Ken described is “earnestly” (or “deeply,” in some translations).  This word comes from the Greek word for “catharsis” - purged.  Pure, but cleansed in the most painful way possible.  What keeps you from loving somebody like Jesus loves them?  What keeps you from seeing someone like God sees them?  Whatever it is, get rid of it.  No matter how much you like it, no matter how much it means to you, no matter how much it’ll hurt to let it go.  Get rid of it and start loving people in a real way.

This is my advice to you - not that I am great at it, but that I know how important it is.  You can do it because God made you to do it!  I’ll be praying for you, and I hope you’ll be praying for me too.  Thanks for everything.

-Tara.

Shout-outs.

To Kris, Pat, and Barb - Thank you for everything.

To the AIM Assistants - I miss you all.

To Sarah Beth Hall - I miss you like Bert misses Ernie.  Do you have Skype?

To Matt Hoadley - Have you ever been to Thai Thai?  It's my favorite place to go in the LBK.  Go there for me sometime soon, hey?

To Cassey Clayton - You take beautiful pictures, sister.  I've been praying for you lately.

To Ivankita Chalco - I loved talking to you on the phone the other day.  One day, I'm going to take you to get some ice cream and I'll tell you all about how your sister and I drove along Beach Road singing, "Vamos a la Playa, oh oh oh oh oh!"

To Everybody Else - Have a really wonderful break and consciously enjoy being with the people you are around.  Take too many pictures and laugh too loud and eat just a little too much.  And I will talk to you soon!  Love you guys, and I'm praying for you.

To a blonde, dorky girl from Oklahoma.

Hey all.

You know, I have always loved writing.  Seems like since I was little, I always loved buying journals and pens and pencils.  I loved the opportunity to sit down, open the notebook, and write anything.  That freedom is priceless to me.  There's just something in me that feels relief when I get all of my feelings out there into words on paper - or on the computer screen.  It's like a purging, in a way.  The most painful type of cleansing.

Which is how I knew I needed to write about the break-in.  But I needed time to get my feet back on the ground and be able to write down what I remember without freaking out - which is why it's taken me so long.

I know you've heard about what happened.  Maybe I've told you things myself.  But it's just time for me to get it all out there, you know?  So just bear with me and hear me out.

In our old house on Clevedon Road, I lived out back in the "grannie flat."  The flat (which had one room and a bathroom) had been used as a storage room for a good while, and it was in need of some serious fixing.  It also wasn't really hooked up to our security system in the house, which means I really should have reconsidered staying out there.  But I really wanted my own room, and I didn't think of the security.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

One night, Sasha and I went to a late yoga class at the gym.  We came home and they were hanging the brand-new curtains in our huge windows in the the living room.  I decided to go to bed a little early, but I asked Tyler to come out before he left so that I could tell him something (I've forgotten now what I was even going to tell him).  It turns out that when he came out there, I was already asleep, so he left.  

A few hours later, a loud noise woke me up, and I thought it might be Tyler trying to come in to talk to me.  I put my glasses on (I'm basically blind without them!) and sat up, but didn't really see anything.  So I laid back down and started to play some music on my computer, which was on my bedside table.  Then I saw something moving outside the window, and when I looked over there I saw two black guys, one was wearing a white bandana.  A few seconds later, they threw a brick in my window, opened the latch, and climbed in.  They made me get out of bed and they were yelling a lot of things.  One of them had a broken bottle and kept acting like he'd hit me with it.  The other told me to go into the bathroom and cover my eyes.  I told them I had money (around R6000, which is about 600 American dollars - I had been saving to help buy our car).  They asked where it was, but I told them I'd get it if they would just leave.  So I got the money, unlocked the door for them, and they left.

I know all of this sounds kind of peaceful on paper, but it wasn't.  I yelled - a lot.  (The police even said they had calls from a few blocks down because they could hear me yelling.)  They yelled - a lot.  They really tore my room up - there was glass everywhere, and all my things were scattered, my bed was a total mess because they'd looked under the mattress.  They went through everything.

I didn't know if they had gotten into the main house yet, or if they were really gone, or if the girls were okay.  When I had seen the guys walking around outside before they broke in, I called Sasha and told her I thought there were two guys outside.  I remember saying, "Just stay with me, Sash, just talk to me."  She could hear me screaming when they broke in, and then they took my cell phone and turned it off.  After they had left, all I wanted was to be inside.  I wanted to be with the girls, safe.  I didn't want to be alone anymore.

So I went to the backdoor and unlocked it and started yelling, "It's just me, it's just me, it's just me" - because I knew they'd be scared it was someone breaking in.  And then Brittney comes out of the door to the hallway and she's carrying a big ax handle (she was going to go outside to help me and she was prepared!).  I ran to her.  When she hugged me, I just started crying.  I have never, never needed to be held so much.  We went into her room, which is where the other girls were waiting.  (They had pushed wardrobes in front of the doors.)  I ran to the bed and we waited - for the police to come, for the security company to come, for Ken and Judy to come.  It seemed like forever that we were there, waiting.  I needed to do something, anything, because all I really wanted to do was scream.  So we got the Bible and I read Philippians 01 out loud.  Everybody came and made sure the place was safe, and I had to give a statement to the police.  We got some clothes for me and went to Ken and Judy's for the rest of the next day.  Momma Judy made us pancakes, I got a hot shower, I called my dad, and we started to think about where to go from there.

So there it is.  I don't mean to scare you, or to make you sad. 

Because look at how things are now.  I am sitting here in my very safe apartment, on my new computer, using the Internet through my cell phone, uploading music to put on my new iPod.  And we have a great car (named Bruce!) in the parking garage.

I have learned many, many things through what happened.  But if there's one thing I've learned, it's this:

God is good.

When those men were about to break into my room, I prayed - "Dear God, give me love and wisdom."  He has done a lot more than that.  He protected me, that night and every moment since then.  He provided.  He has answered that prayer by using others to show me what love and wisdom look like.

I will never understand why God is so good to a blonde, dorky girl from Oklahoma.

I love you, and I'm very thankful for you - for your prayers, for your encouragement, for your consistency and reliability.  Thank you for being here for me, with me, through all of this.

-Tara Ann.

Hap-hap-happy Halloween.

A short blog, but good news.

I have some Internet on my computer!  Yaaaaay.  

Thanks to Tyler, I am connecting my phone with my computer through Bluetooth.  Which is very good.  So now, hopefully, I'll get the chance to stay connected to you guys better, and to really let you know what's going on here.  And I'm putting more pictures on my Facebook, so if you have me on there, check them out please!  

We have some major catching up to do.

Love you guys.  Miss you.

Happy Halloween!

PS: They don't celebrate Halloween here.  I miss home!

Computer issue.

So I have a new computer.  Yay!

Thank you to all of the supporters that contributed to this.  You have no idea how amazing it is to have my own computer, with all of my old files (songs, pictures, notes from AIM classes) on it.  Thank you thank you thank you!

But there's a problem.  I don't know how to hook up my phone to work with my computer, so my Internet isn't working yet on my computer.  And I'm not sure how to even go about getting that to start.  Tyler (the resident Mac expert for our team) isn't sure, and Kuda (my South African friend who works with computers) aren't sure how to do it, so I'm pretty much lost.  I thought it would be easy but...it isn't.

So for now, I'll keep borrowing Diana's computer when I can.  She's been so awesome about this, very giving and very willing to share.  That girl keeps me on my toes.

Also, I got my final "birthday box" from home.  My mom and grandparents sent me lots of good things!  Some pajamas (which are now my favorite after last night), some books (which are much-needed, since books here have to be imported and are so expensive), beads and stuff to hand out to people (which will come in handy with the girls at church).  So it was a great, great surprise.  Thank you guys....I'm not sure you'll ever know how much this really means, but thank you.

I have a meeting tomorrow (Wednesday) at noon (5 a.m. your time) with Sherry, a lady from a women's shelter here in PE.  We're going to be talking about what I can do and how I can work there.  So please keep that in your prayers these next few days.

I'm going to go now, but hopefully I'll be back on here soon.  I miss you very much, and love you tremendously.  Please keep me in your prayers.